so defeated and scared silly

[labug]

Hey ss, my story is very similar to yours at this point, except for the ML ;/ (I'm on my way to my thread to do a little update).

I took a 6 wk class last summer based on the Cloud and Townsend Boundaries book. It was a good thing to do, I liked the class so much I loaned the book out and who knows were it is now. Hopefully someone is getting help from it.

Be encouraged that your H is seeing a C and that he's reading HTIYMWTAI.

[scaredsilly]

thanks bug,
i am encouraged by it. he seems to want enlightenment but it may be hard to give up having his way most of the time. hopefully, he will come to realize that, in the long run, that never works.

now i need opinions:
next month is the biggest boating event in our city. thousands of boats go to the beach to watch an all-day air show. we cook out on the boat, drink (of course), and stay in the warm water all day. it's my favorite day of the year.

previously, i've told H i would not ask him to do anything with me and would wait until he asked so he would not feel pressured and i would not feel the sting of rejection.

however, today i advised him that if our boat was going, i would be on it. he said he hadn't thought of what he was going to do that day so i told him that if he doesn't take the boat (i can't by myself), i would drive over and he could do the same or go on someone's boat (which i knew he wouldn't because he likes to be the captain of his own boat).

i told him that i hope we are still friends and he would take another friend. i also said the i know i'm not that hard to be around. he said he didn't want to mislead me. i advised him that i'm not being misled and i'm wanting to have a good time on the boat. i told him that he has a full life, living with his mom, working a job, having friends to do things with, watching t.v. with her, walking in the evenings with her and his uncle, eating meals with someone, having coffee with someone in the morning, etc., and all i have in this town is my son's family. i said the everytime i see them, there's always kids around (they have five) so i have very little interaction with other adults when no kids are around.

then, he choked up and said his life is not full. i told him i'm sorry.

he said he would think about it and call me back. then he sent me an email and said he had some ideas about the boat and the event.

of course, i was "expecting" the worst. however, when he called, he said we would go on the boat together. he said he would spend the night so we could get an early start.

then he said that it would only be us. in the past, we've always had family and/or friends on the boat with us. however, my DIL really stresses him out so i'm thinking he's taking that off the table. but then, it leaves his family off the table, too, and they really stress ME out.

i would really rather it just be us.

he also said that we will anchor someplace where we usually don't. most of our family and friend know where to look for us. his freinds from the office anchor at our usual place, too. no one will be with us or know where we are.

he always sees me in places where people we know are NOT. he comes to mow the lawn and ML. he says he's still trying to figure out what he wants. he kisses and hugs me hello and goodbye now, where after the bomb, he wouldn't come near me.

what's going on with him? any opinions?

[labug]

I think it show how men view ML differently. Going on the boat with him could be misleading but ML isn't.

I would say remember baby steps. That's what I''m trying to do today. Another friend reminded me of this today: ...accept the gesture at face value and stop attaching motives. You'll feel much better in the long run.

Good luck, it sounds like fun.

[scaredsilly]

i see your point, bug. being on the boat could be seen as a commitment. ML is totally private and no one but us knows.

i do see him agreeing to go as a BIG baby step. we will be spending the day together, doing something that has always been special to both of us.

it will be fun but i will not "expect" any forward movement after it's over. he's still thinking things through and that's good. he should. we didn't get to this place only because of me.

thanks for your encouragement!

[breakdownbill]

SS

Let us know how it goes on the boat, it sounds really positive, but right of you to not have any expectations & see it as a positive baby step.

Have fun and just be yourself.

Bill

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, bill! It will be fun. I texted my H that I was excited because it's my favorite day of the year and he actually texted back, " I am so looking forward to it MYSELF, quite a bit.". He will get the boat ready and I'll do the food. Just him and me! No kids, no friends, just us in the water all day. I'm happy about the day to come!

I thought I would share something from the book I'm reading about codependency.

It's pretty profound.
"We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant ) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected."

[scaredsilly]

well, H is coming over today to mow the lawn and get the boat. he's taking the boat to his mother's house to get it ready for our day on it. he also wants to take his son out in it over the 4th holiday. he's taking time off work and spending it with his family.

i have to admit, i'm feeling left out and alone. i'll probably spend that time with my son and his family but it will still be a reminder of how it used to be vs. how it is now.

H has actually been more loving towards me. he sent me a text last night saying how he is looking forward to our day together in the boat at the air show. he said, "i am getting more excited about (the show). that has always been my favorite day of the year and every year i have seen it, it was with you."

he then texted that "we" will be getting an early start to come get the boat. i asked, "who is we" and he replied that his mother will be dropping him off (so he can drive the boat back with our tow car). i just said, "ok H".

well, he picked the phone and called me to make sure i was ok. he said that i had told him before that emotions don't come across well in texts and he thought maybe i had some with that.

i told him i was fine and that i just wanted to know since it was the first he had mentioned he was coming with someone and i wanted to know if it was a friend, or one of his kids, or his uncle, etc.

then, i decided that i should really be honest about my feelings. i have not seen nor heard from his mother in almost a year. H and i had our big blow up in august of last year and the bomb came in dec. she has not communicated with me in any way. i don't really know what he's told her. i'm anxious to come in contact with her again. i don't want to keep things bottled up anymore and i want to be honest and authentic.

so, i told him, "i'm a little scared".

with that, he began to comfort me and tell me i had nothing to worry about with him mom.

so, all in all, i'm facing my fears, i'm being open and honest and taking the walls down to protect myself and letting him protect me.

we'll see what happens. i plan on being outside when they arrive so i will have to greet her. maybe she feels the same way and it will give us both relief from our anxiety of the initial meeting after the bomb?

[labug]

Hmmmmm, taking the walls down to protect myself and letting him protect me.

Is this what you meant to say? If so, do you see it as his job to protect you?

About his mother, be proactive. Walk over to her with a smile on your face and lead the conversation. DB her.

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, bug. That's exactly what I'm doing. I asked him to text me when they got close so I could come out and say hello because, truth be told, she's probably a little "scared", too. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in a year.

Yes, I meant for him to be able to help me with some of my fears, especially, as they pertain to his family. I will show him my vulnerabilities and he can feel helpful and encouraging. He's let me know that it makes him feel closer to me.

It's a 180 for me because I would try to hide my insecurities and be stronger than I felt before. I was "too strong" to need help (protection) from anyone or anything. No one is that strong.

[labug]

I keep telling myself that about H's family, it's a difficult thing for everyone.

Some days I even believe it!