so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

well, H is coming over today to mow the lawn and get the boat. he's taking the boat to his mother's house to get it ready for our day on it. he also wants to take his son out in it over the 4th holiday. he's taking time off work and spending it with his family.

i have to admit, i'm feeling left out and alone. i'll probably spend that time with my son and his family but it will still be a reminder of how it used to be vs. how it is now.

H has actually been more loving towards me. he sent me a text last night saying how he is looking forward to our day together in the boat at the air show. he said, "i am getting more excited about (the show). that has always been my favorite day of the year and every year i have seen it, it was with you."

he then texted that "we" will be getting an early start to come get the boat. i asked, "who is we" and he replied that his mother will be dropping him off (so he can drive the boat back with our tow car). i just said, "ok H".

well, he picked the phone and called me to make sure i was ok. he said that i had told him before that emotions don't come across well in texts and he thought maybe i had some with that.

i told him i was fine and that i just wanted to know since it was the first he had mentioned he was coming with someone and i wanted to know if it was a friend, or one of his kids, or his uncle, etc.

then, i decided that i should really be honest about my feelings. i have not seen nor heard from his mother in almost a year. H and i had our big blow up in august of last year and the bomb came in dec. she has not communicated with me in any way. i don't really know what he's told her. i'm anxious to come in contact with her again. i don't want to keep things bottled up anymore and i want to be honest and authentic.

so, i told him, "i'm a little scared".

with that, he began to comfort me and tell me i had nothing to worry about with him mom.

so, all in all, i'm facing my fears, i'm being open and honest and taking the walls down to protect myself and letting him protect me.

we'll see what happens. i plan on being outside when they arrive so i will have to greet her. maybe she feels the same way and it will give us both relief from our anxiety of the initial meeting after the bomb?