Hello Cadet...thanks for your valuable insight. Did you mean 180 the housework? I'm doing all the right things at home in order to take some pressure of H and show some compassion (he's a volcano waiting to go off with the stress he's under currently).
How does he eat? Who cooks his food? Who does his laundry?
These are just brainstorming ideas, take what you want and forget the rest.
What would your life look like if you were divorced?
GALis not new to me. My H has been a shift worker for 25 years and I have always been independant and had to keep myself occupied on a social level, I have a great network of friends and enjoy many activies. SO GAL would not be making a huge impact on him. Thanks for the response. My 180's are that because I am too "controlling" I have let go of the reigns and don't question him about anything, I have completely let go of the household financial issues (he has me manage the finances and then complains that I have to say we can't afford it when the bills need to be paid. Again because of his job and my independance I have always had a long leash to do what he wants...so the 180's aren't making a huge difference either. When I say i'm moving forward I mean I'm not going to dwell on the mistakes I have made and keep DB'ing to the best of my ability.
Cadet, my H is not a helpless man. He can and cook, clean and do laundry. It would only cause discontent between us if I stopped doing those things. I prefer to keep the atmosphere pleasant at home.
New development. H caught me on an internet dating site. I had only just joined because I was feeling I needed a little cheering up. That's all...chatted very casually about the weather to a couple of men. I had already decided I wasn't going to pursue this course. He of course accused me of all sorts of things. I agreed it was wrong and he was very angry and accusatory. All I could do was agree with him. I have no excuses except loneliness and desperation. He is not interested in my feelings or how any of this is affecting me, he is a very unforgiving man. Now he says it was the nail in the coffin. Wants to proceed to D ASAP next week.
I can't change anything now but will keep DB'ing as best as I can.
You mention that GALing would not make a huge impact.
Are you saying that you may have been too distant? Is this one of his complaints? If so, have you tried a 180 and pursued him? Asked to be with him when he was doing things or simply being around him and chatting... vs. trying to make plans to do things with him.
What about asking him to make plans to do things with you where he is in complete charge of everything?
You slipped. A dating site may have been inappropriate. There are other ways to connect with people and often I have seen it suggested to choose people of the same sex (or opposite, in the case of gay Ms). Now, you may have to consider that you will have to regain some trust, there.
OTOH, he claims that is the nail in the coffin. It is likely just a reason and it could have been any other reason. That one may have just conveniently dropped on his lap.
You CAN change things. You can change you.
Did you make notes when you talked to the coach? Go over some of the things that were discussed. Rather than the specifics, what were the "themes" that really stood out with the coach?
Excellent advice. Another new development. H, originally, didn't care too much about the dating site, just told me to be careful, but came down today pointing his finger at me and ordering me to be quiet while he spoke. He told me what I did was totally inappropriate (I know this) and how dare I do it in his house when he is paying the bills. We were going to fastrack this thing at the lawyers during the week. All I could do was agree with him. He continued to badger me with his threats of divorce and other accusations until I was forced to say that I was no longer going to accept the emotional abuse and intimidation tactics he uses with me when I do something he doesn't like (usually small things). This has been his pattern for 12 months now.
I think this must have been a 180 because he turned on his heels. Unfortunately my 18 year old son overheard and came into the room. He told his father that I needed some love and care and although what I did wasn't right, he could understand. H then turned on me again and accused me of turning the kids against him. I said what else can you blame on me. H is on the edge of a breakdown. I had to say this...you must get help...the family is suffering and you are unwell. He drove off in a rage to work (he is a workaholic).
Excellent advice. Another new development. H, originally, didn't care too much about the dating site, just told me to be careful, but came down today pointing his finger at me and ordering me to be quiet while he spoke. He told me what I did was totally inappropriate (I know this) and how dare I do it in his house when he is paying the bills. We were going to fastrack this thing at the lawyers during the week. All I could do was agree with him. He continued to badger me with his threats of divorce and other accusations until I was forced to say that I was no longer going to accept the emotional abuse and intimidation tactics he uses with me when I do something he doesn't like (usually small things). This has been his pattern for 12 months now.
I think this must have been a 180 because he turned on his heels. Unfortunately my 18 year old son overheard and came into the room. He told his father that I needed some love and care and although what I did wasn't right, he could understand. H then turned on me again and accused me of turning the kids against him. I asked..what else can you blame on me? Apparently its my fault H doesn't have any friends either. H is on the edge of a breakdown. I had to say this...you should get help...the family is suffering and you are unwell. He drove off in a rage to work (he is a workaholic).
New development. Later in the day H pursued me about the internet dating site. He stood over me and pointed his finger at me as he does..in a bullying and intimidating manner. I tried to keep calm but it was upsetting me and I told him to stop bullying me. He has been using this tactic frequently over the last 12 months when he is angry and then threatens me with divorce. I had to say to him that he was getting what he wanted so therefore there was no further need to keep intimidating me and blaming me for his problems because they would no longer exist. You won't be able to make any further threats, it will be over.
Unfortunately my 18 yo S who overheard came down and said to his father, I have stayed out of this so far but leave mum alone she is lonely and scared and only wants some love. H immediately turned to me and accused me of turning his kids against him (19 yo D has tried to speak with him also). What else do you want to blame me for? He said he has no friends and blames me for that too. H is a workaholic who is on the edge of a breakdown. I said you have neglected your relationships and prioritised your work. There is nothing here that cannot be fixed. I had to say to him.."you need to get help". He was very emotional and finding it hard to keep it together. He stormed out the door to leave for work.
