and the swimsuit - h saw it yesterday when s and i went over for dinner - he actually was just all out staring at me while i was talking to him - and not at my face. later he asked me "so you got a new swimsuit" and i said happily yes.
today, my dress was a hit too, but h was not biting - in fact he spent the whole afternoon and evening staying as far away from me as possible, and trying not to look at me or talk to me much. i just stayed consistent and friendly. i noticed he didn't drink all that much - which is unusual for him - and i know that that was a sign that he was fighting -
i could feel his determination. it was almost amusing!
in terms of looking across the room and seeing a beautiful, attractive woman, relaxed, happy and having a wonderful time - i couldn't have pulled it off better. and i wasn't acting - i really felt that way
what really touched me was that the women who are my friends (some of them know about ow, most of them only know that he's left) - sort of enveloped me with a lot of love and kept checking to see how i was holding up. i was so proud to tell them that i was doing great for the most part.
i had a bad few minutes after serving the cake. and two of them had just asked me how i was holding up, and i started crying and one of them who is a good friend just took me away for a walk down the road, which helped a lot. the cake was definitely a trigger - h and i carried it out together, just as we always did, and then i served it, but it was a difficult moment for me.
the cake came out great - but i forgot my camera and the pics are on h's - will have to get them later. i had made enough for in-laws to have a celebration w s when they came back. as i was putting it away in the freezer h asked what i was doing, and i told him that. he suggested that maybe they could have it for his b'day which is in 10 days.
we spent about 15 mins sitting outside by the pool having a smoke after everyone left. he allowed that - meaning he didn't get up and run off. he offered that i could stay the night and i just said are you asking me to. he quickly protested no, no, definitely not. i just changed the subject and we chatted about how great the party had been. he didn't want to acknowledge that we had done it together, when i told him that about 10 people had come and said to me you and h throw a great party!!
at the end, when i was leaving sil and i were in the kitchen alone and she said the same - you and h throw an amazing party - i replied, ya , i tried to tell h that and he wouldn't acknowledge it.
sil - very hard to read where she's at = we stayed general and i can't say it wasn't hard to be around her.there was a distance between us that wasn't there at all before.
earlier she had asked me you're coming tomorrow aren't you? and i said where. and she said there's a family gathering at uncle's at the lake. i said no, i haven't been invited. h told me he and s were going. she looked utterly shocked and said wtf?
i just turned away - i can't deal with that right now - how can she be surprised that he wouldn't invite me, with all that is going on?
oh well - not my thing to deal with.
i'm relieved that this party is over - s had a lovely time, so did everyone else, and i am so pleased and proud of myself that i had it in me to pull it off. all my friends acknowledged that, and it just felt good to know how supported and loved i am through all of this.
so now on to the rest of my life. i have detached so much from all that is going on and from h - the most positive part of the day was that we didn't come even close to one second of anything negative. h didn't argue or push on any issue and it really went smoothly - all the interactions between us.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
