This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[mab1]

Also she didn't mention divorce or anything about selling the house either.

[jks]

I said something along the lines of there's no rush we're not totally done yet

Do you see how you're forcing that decision on her when you say that? She's telling you one thing and you're saying another, like you're not hearing her.

All in all, you did well, especially with how fresh and new this situation is but learn from this small interaction. I have a great post that I've saved from another poster here that I will post to your thread. It's a great perspective to remember when we're thinking about pressuring our spouses to see OUR way and what WE want.

[jks]

Here's the quote...

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

[mab1]

Thanks jks , I'm going to print out that quote.
The instant I said the "not done" words, I knew I'd made a mistake. It's why I backtracked so quickly but I wish I'd kept my mouth shut! I was concentrating so hard on not trying to asking her about going to see Batman when it's out that I took my eye of the ball!

[scaredsilly]

Thanks jks, that was fantastic to read and makes so much sense. It will help me immensely!

[mab1]

Just bumped into a friend who works in the lab opposite my wife. She was so concerned and sorry about how thing's were. She was saying that it was a lesson to everyone on how close we all were to something like this happening and how it's sometimes really tough to know what you want out of life. So, who knows what she's saying at work. Then I've just been over on the talkaboutmarriage forums and read some stuff from WAW's on there and to say I'm pessimistic at the moment would be an understatement!

[jks]

If reading that kind of stuff doesn't make you feel better then stop doing it. Do things right now that will make you feel better. Read uplifting things that challenge you to be a better person. All that other stuff isn't going to help you towards your goal. It's going to make feel stuck in a negative rut.

[bustingout]

Thank you jks. The quote, and you continuous positive messages

[mab1]

Thanks again jks. I've been having some time to myself this evening and after 30 mins rowing I am starting to face up to a few home truths.
1) My wife is definitely going to take her stuff and move out to a flat. Don't know why I've been avoiding thinking about this but IT IS HAPPENING! I hope we reconcile and I'm going to give it everything I've got but to do I that I'm going to have to change a lot about the way I live my life.
2) I will be 38 in August. My current contract runs out in 1 1/2 years and I am not going to be able to stay in my current role after that. So what then?
3) I can mess around filling time at weekends and in the evenings but I am going to have to leave this house and move on. So what then?
I have never spent much time pondering these things before. I was young and I partied a lot and played a lot of sports. I did a PhD. I met my wife and we had a great 10 years together. I have pretty much ignored my own life goals in that time so much so that I don't actually know what I want from life any more. Now I am faced with a new, scary dawn. Obviously, I'm not looking for immediate answers to these questions. This is something I am going to discuss a length my IC (unless he keeps asking me "how does that make me feel" in which case I'm getting a new one!) but if anyone could point me in the direction of some resources which may help me on the way I would be really grateful.

[Accuray]

Hi Mab1,

What resources are you looking for? What do you need help with aside from your DB efforts?

If you have an IC who literally asks you "how does that make you feel" you SHOULD switch right away. Find an IC who is "solution-based". I liked using the DB coaches on this site. The one I worked with said "I don't care how you feel, what are you going to DO?" I liked that.

Accuray