Hi Ro - thanks for checking in. I got my calendar mixed up; H got back about an hour ago today.
He was here when I got home from work. He tried to make small talk and a joke about him sort of remembering what the house looked like (since he hasn't really been here for 2 weeks). Haha, I guess.
I was barely home for 5 minutes before he asked if I had plans tonight and if I wanted to either make dinner together or go to dinner together. ??? I told him I was going to eat a popsicle and take a nap and then we could figure it out once I got up - I was tired and already half asleep and didn't quite have my wits about me for this.
Do I have any expectations? No. Do I really want to do either? Eh... I'll see how I feel once I get up.
Am thinking about you now...keep staying You--- I can only imagine how challenging this all is right now. But I admire your strength and poise.
Take care, busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I got up from my nap and H was passed out on the floor downstairs, so I came back upstairs. I went down a bit later and the noise of me on the stairs woke him up. I'd said that I wasn't really hungry so I probably wouldn't really even want to eat anything (it's really too hot to do anything!) but he kept insisting about dinner, said he could wait until I was hungry, etc. etc. He kept making comments about how he'd been gone so long, (2 weeks) he couldn't remember where things were, said gee my hair was getting long (I just got it cut noticeably shorter this week) etc. He just seemed kind of disoriented. It's not like he was gone for 4 months!
While we were waiting around he talked about how much he hates his current job situation and how his best friend just got an amazing new job offer. Given how down H was after finding out that one of his high school classmates founded a very successful tech startup company (at a young age), this surely isn't helping his job situation. Again - the only thing he complains about is his JOB. HELLO. CLEARLY THERE IS A LARGE PROBLEM IN HIS LIFE THAT HE IS NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT AND THE NAME OF THIS PROBLEM IS NOT VERA.
Anyway. After talking for about 15 minutes, he realized he hadn't asked me how I was doing. I just said "Keeping busy." He asked a few more questions, I was vague and didn't really expand on things. He eventually kept insisting that we could go out to a restaurant, share a dish if I wasn't that hungry, "nibble on something." I relented. So we left. He was chatty on the way there, talking about a book he's reading, why he likes it, am I reading the magazine subscription he got me? I mentioned that I was a little behind because I was reading "a bunch of random things" and he asked what and I said "oh just a bunch of things" and mentioned the one non-R book I read recently, etc.
When we got close to the restaurant he asked if I wanted to hit up the vintage clothing store we used to go to on occasion. I said maybe after dinner. We had dinner. It was a little odd because I just felt nothing toward him. I wasn't necessarily interested in what he was talking about. I validated where appropriate, cracked a few jokes when I felt like it, refrained from offering solutions to the problem of someone else he discussed and really just felt . . . nothing (toward him). I guess it's a good thing that my expectations were so far below zero that this dinner meant anything in the grand scheme of anything.
I went to reach for my wallet when the bill arrived and he grabbed it first to put on the "house" credit card. We went over to the vintage store. He enjoyed pulling out some crazy shirts to try on. I tried on this teensy sequinned mini dress (wayyy too small!) but he insisted on seeing it on me anyway. Good for a laugh. He tried on a few shirts but they were generally pretty small on him and he made a comment about being fat (he did look a bit pudgy, all of that traveling makes it hard to exercise on the road).
We caught a cab back home and he finally went up to the guest room and exclaimed at seeing the new accent wall! Haha. We discussed it for a bit and I indicated that I was probably going to have to paint the whole room anyway. He said he'd be available this week to help with the re-painting but I said I hadn't decided on a color yet. He indicated that his travel schedule meant that he wouldn't be around to help after this week, but I just said I might hire someone to paint it anyway. That said, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to use him for free labor, if I can decide on a color ASAP...
We went to bed in our separate rooms shortly thereafter (well, I'm relaxing with TV and blanket making and DB board reading).
So . . . yeah. This long post about tonight and I just really don't feel much of anything toward H right now except a little bit of pity. Part of me is also maybe a bit annoyed that he hasn't done more about getting the house ready to sell because I almost feel now like he's holding me back! How am I supposed to get on with my life with him not moving fast enough now! Fancy that. . .
No worries, I'm not making any big decisions tonight.
wow you sound like you're in a really good place. It sounds like sometimes he almost forces you into going to dinner with him. Just because he wants your company doesn't mean you have to give it to him. You're not in a relationship with him. I remember when H was like yeah, I don't want to do that. I was floored. But he just flat out said he didn't want to go somewhere with me. I was so selfish that I had assumed that of course he'd want to go anywhere with me. I'm pretty sure he felt confused. He's back from a long trip to the home that isn't really his martial home anymore, to his wife who isn't really his wife anymore, and was unsure how to act/react. Going out to dinner and doing something coupley probably assuaged that uncomfortable feeling a little bit.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks again for your thoughts, Brit. I think my resistance was low because I was so tired (been up late working on this blanket and was woken up early Friday morning). Upon further reflection maybe part of me felt like I didn't have a good "excuse" not to go (i.e. - I didn't have other plans set up). But you're right - we're not a couple. I don't need an excuse.
Even last night I was thinking - this is the last time I'm doing something like this. Part of me also just wanted to see how he'd react. My own test, I suppose. Does this change anything? No. I'd been thinking that I really don't know why I would want to be friends with this person right now. Other than a long history together. I'm not really interested in a lot of the things he wants to do for fun now. I know I was reminded in my previous thread to see him on a journey and not as a fixed point as he is now. But it seems like he's really STUCK and is flailing and doesn't know what to do. But that's not my problem to solve anymore - really, it never was even though I would have felt it was.
Blah!
Gym today, possibly movie tonight with a co-worker, and blanket making/show watching!
H did ask if I'd watched any more of the show. I just teased "you don't even want to know." He kept asking and I admitted that I'd finished the season we were watching AND the next one. He was kind of astonished and said, "I've only been gone 2 weeks!" Funny considering how he also played that with "I've been gone for so long - 2 weeks!" last night. I'm going to be finishing the next season probably within the next week or so, so that is definitely something we won't be doing together anymore.
4 months ago: me: I think we should use the tax refund to get a new dishwasher. H: okay, sounds good.
3 months ago: me: I think we should use the tax refund to get a new dishwasher. H: I don't think we should spend money on that, leave it, we're going to sell the house anyway.
This morning: H: I think we should get a new dishwasher. me: Why do you think that? H: Because this one is gross. I know you've been working hard to try to keep it clean but something is wrong with it and we should just get a new one. me: well we had saved part of the tax refund to pay for a new dishwasher. H: okay, great!
Oh I was just trying to say don't let him wear you down...you know? Sometimes we can be "too nice" or I can I forget that I can just say I don't want to do that!
I gotcha, Brit. Sometimes I wish I had you on speed dial - I guess this board will have to do
Today I tried something different. Instead of hiding up in my bedroom while H was around, I told him I was going to be watching the show (that he's now 2 seasons behind in) in the living room with the nicer TV. I figured this would ensure that he'd have to go elsewhere in the house so he wouldn't spoil the plot. It did work for a few episodes. It felt good to feel like I could actually LIVE in my house.
Then he came down to ask if I wanted to go get a drink. I declined, and he headed out to who knows where. Before he left, he asked if tomorrow, did I want to make that dish that he asked about last time he was in town. I said I'd think about it. He used his "sweetening the deal" voice again and said that it would give me some food for the week (does he seriously think I don't eat or something when he's not here? In the past I was admittedly really lazy and jokingly told him while he was traveling that I was hungry a lot when he wasn't around but that's more than a year in the past.).
So - here's my question. Part of me wants to say no, because I don't really want to hang out with him and make this dish. BUT part of me really likes eating this dish. I don't have to eat it WITH him, after all.
Making it seems like it would assuage this guilt/discomfort thing we've speculated he has. I'm not really interested in doing this. But not making it would mean I'm not getting a tasty dish.
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