In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

[breakdownbill]

Really didn't see it coming, walked straight into a covert Relationship talk with my W & took the bait, think it's over.

I was having a lovely day with my daughter, took her to a new coffee house that is an exact replica of Central Perk from Friends & some lunch, then when I got back home my W, started stressing about money.

I didn't spend that much & it was a treat that I'd had planned for a couple of weeks as my son was on a day trip with his Beavers group, so it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Anyway my W was stressing about money, shouting a bit & crying and she took herself off to the bedroom.

I left her up there for about 10 minutes & brought up a cup of tea to see if she was OK and to try & re-assure her about my job hunting. I do feel really bad about not working & have been applying for lots of jobs, but there is not much out there & it's only 8 weeks until my new course starts.

We were talking & then she says, 'It's not just the money, everything else is crap, me and you are no closer and the situation is still the same'.

I said, 'I know the situation isn't nice, but we can't really get any closer while the OM is still in the picture, whether you are just dancing with him or not'.

I said 'if we were going to try & work through our issues, he can't be in the picture'.

she then said to me that things didn't improve on holiday, to which I agreed, but said that, 'there was never an opportunity for me and you to spend time together alone or talk, because every night we came back to the hotel you went straight to sleep for 14 nights in a row, and every time we had a laugh, you put up a wall & pulled back'.

My W said, 'I know I put these barriers up, some of it is my hormones, but I don't think things will ever get better and I just feel empty, like I'm dead'.

I said to her, 'I can't change the way you feel right now, all's I've been doing since the bomb, was working on my own issues & giving you space to think things over, but don't think that this is what I want'.

We exchanged some other back and forth conversation and it ended with me saying, 'What do you want to do now'? and my W said 'I know what I want to happen, but I don't want to make all the decisions'.

I don't know what my next steps are going to be now, I don't want to make all this easier and quicker, but I'm starting to think that the longer I stay here the more likelier it is she will file for D.

i'm upset & confused as to what to do now, I don't want to give in, but I think it's just a matter of time now, she just doesn't feel anything for me anymore.

It's sad, but I kind of feel like a weight has just been taken off my shoulders. I'm dreading the fallout of what is likely to come & how my kids will deal with the split.

I knew things had to change & that the lid would come off this hot pot sooner or later. I think separation (1 of us moving out)or Divorce, is the only logical next step now.

If I wait for my W to either move out, ask me to move out or file, I'm just leaving it totally in her hands. On the other hand if I leave, my kids might think that I've left them because I don't love them.

Any advice, 2 x 4's or words of encouragement / consolment on a Saturday night people? Could really use some contact right now.

Bill