Barn's burnt down--

[labug]

Why did you not want to ask him if he was happy or not? What is the worst that could happen?

Fear. I don't know the answer and as I said, the unknown is a scary place for me.

-Your H is not filling any emotional needs for you and I know you are filling as much as you can for yourself but do you have a pull to want to have intimacy, companionship, partnership, etc..?

Yes, yes and yes. As I've come further on this journey and unearthed, unleashed the real me I want to have a real, loving R. I like being married, I miss sharing my life with another person. I would like it to be him.

What's that anxiety pit in your stomach stemming from?

Again, I think it's the unknown. I'm changing and it may be that I'm getting to the "this isn't working for me" stage of the journey and that's unsettling.

In the past, I've always handled unsettling things by changing something, and changing them sooner rather than later. In many ways I created chaos around me. Chaos may be too strong but things were never quite settled because they weren't perfect yet. I kept adjusting trying to get to perfect and then I could relax.

And guess what, I never got there. That put a lot of pressure on the marriage because H is a pretty settled kind of no drama guy.

So just sitting with things and letting events unfold is a challenge for me.

I'm not projecting my sitch on you but it is working for you to not discuss anything at all for so long?

Are you hesitant because you are waiting for him to engage or are you being stubborn and/or scared to bring anything up?

I have been waiting for him to engage.

Not stubborn but a little scared. I'm not ready for the end because even tho the attachment is only by a filament, it's still there.

Your personal growth has been inspiring Bug.

Thanks, sometimes it amazes me and I know there's more to come.

And thanks for taking the time to challenge me.