I'm a new person

[2chiquitos]

It went sooo well. My friend and her H came over with her sister in law. Total 5 kids. Her H n my H talked a lot. My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.

Throughout the night, H was so relaxed, so different from before. He used to go into the spare room and watch TV (very typical of my dad and his dad). But tonite he engaged in conversation. It was really really nice

But then disaster hit...
I made the god awful mistake of dragging out a gossip from my friend. She told me H spends numerous nights with OW and has taken the kids over. This gossip has been passed down by a few people.

I reacted. I panicked. I couldn't stop shaking. I stuttered. They were on their way out when she told me. I told H (not angry) and that I needed to go for a walk. half way around the block he surprised me with both kids in the back seat.

We talked for a couple hours.
He said it wasn't true. and wanted to know if I believed him. I said, I believe you don't want me to be hurt.
He said he still talks to OW and that he feels (guilty) cutting her off. She had confided in him her recent domestic violence issues and she contacts him more than he contacts her. He said he promises he will stop talking to her, eventually.

I showed him a letter I wrote a while back and I would like to share with you all


Today I felt it. What if you had died instead of having an affair. What if we had gotten in that big fight in April and we were living in limbo after that. What if we were still disconnecting as we were without someone else involved? What if we only talked when we needed to for the sake of S4? What if I continued to hold all that resentment and you continued to pull away? Then one day, exactly at the same time you left, you died.

Assume it was tragic, sudden, unexpected. You were driving and were involved in a horrific accident. One that left you dead instantly. You didn’t suffer.

You would have never been able to see S4 grow up. You wouldn’t have been able to meet your daughter. Much worse, they would’ve missed out on you. I would have been a grieving widow. A victim although I was a survivor.

I would have been in shock. I couldn’t believe I was left 9mos pregnant with a 3yo who loved his dad. A 3yo who was beginning to build a strong relationship with his father. And an unborn daughter who would never meet her father. Our kids would never known what a great man you were.

I would then be angry, blaming you as I always did for driving carelessly. For driving without your seatbelt. For not turning on your signal when you changed lanes. For getting angry with other drivers. But most importantly, for leaving us. I would have blamed you for dying knowing fully well it wasn’t your fault. I would have hated you as if you had walked out on us.

I would have felt guilty for not appreciating you when you were alive. For not getting married when you suggested we have a small wedding when I wanted to wait and have a big wedding. For not reciprocating when you made endearing comments to me in the beginning of our relationship. For not telling you what an amazing father you were and how you superseded everyone because of the hardships we faced on a daily basis. For not showing you how excited I was to have you in my life. For not knowing how to love you. For not cooking your favorite meals. For not keeping the house clean. For not keeping S4 clean when you got home. For not thanking you for being a great provider. For telling you that you were a great educator and motivator.

I would have grieved. Every time our children did something, anything, I would have remembered what you were missing out on. I would have cried and through the tears I wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty of our children growing before my eyes.

I would have accepted your loss. I would come to see our children’s precious moments as my opportunity to appreciate them the way I should have appreciated you. I would keep them clean and groomed. I would keep the house clean and organized so they may be proud to bring people to our home. I would make them their favorite meals with love. I would praise them constantly. I would instill our family values. I would talk to them about what a great man you were to us. I would have tried my best to teach S4 to be a responsible loving man like his father.

Hs response - he was surprised I wrote this back in October when I was still very angry.
I told him I read it when I was angry and it reminded me who he really was.