Wow Snodderly, you really think so? It sure seems to be looking that way, doesn't it? I mean making a point to contact me, only when OW is not around? How stupid is that? Yes you're right and you've told me more than once to keep contact with him to business only. However to be honest I've went ahead and gone along with some more friendly texting just to see where it goes. Test him a bit too. And it seems quite clear, he's put me aside for talking to when he's away from her.
Thanks tested I really really really needed that hug! Man this single mom gig gets pretty tough doesn't it? Really that's all that's going on, Im very overwhelmed with everything. I just don't have any time to decompress anymore. It's just going from one thing to the next, the next, and then the next. Im working hard at pacing myself, basically slowing down and not stressing. But now Im so tired I've become lazy about things that I normally was never lazy about.
I never stopped to think I was having trouble controlling the anger valve... but that sure is the truth. I guess it's our own version of spew. I guess I have a right to still be angry for a while longer. I don't like the feeling, but I do know I must work through it to achieve peace somehow.
Seems to be that its a monthly thing for spew from the XH. You know I seriously, and I mean seriously find the fact that these WAS still WANT to fight with us!
So the newest problem..... D12 lost her ipod at a slumber party last Saturday. The mom of the house and all the girls tore the house up looking for it and it couldn't be found. Given D12 has a very bad habit of misplacing things, I decided we should wait a few days and see if it show up, before deciding if it could've possibly been stolen by one of the girls there. Well so far it hasn't shown up.
I've made it clear to the girls that given their father has been the one to purchase all their electronic doo dadz that they're responsible for alerting him if there are any problems with them . He's purchased them cell phones, computers, gaming systems, and of course an ipod. I told D12 right away she needed to talk to her father about this. She told me she wanted to get her thoughts straight before she told him.
Well she finally told him 3 days after the fact. She gave him a brief explanation as to what happened and he instantly decided it was stolen. That's looking like that might be the case, but D12 has accepted she may have lost that item for good now. I think it's a learning lesson to her that she needs to keep a better eye on things or leave certain things at home. We went through this before with a cell phone of hers over a year ago, and luckily it was retrieved 2 days later...a girl very jealous of D12 did steal it but returned it.
So Xh decided that he was going to file this ipod as stolen and call the police. At work my phone starts going off with texts from the girls absolutely upset that XH had called the police and sending them over to file a report! I get a text from Xh instructing me the same! XH" Just found out about the missing Ipod. The police will be over at 2:30 after you get home from work to take a report from the girls".
Ok guys I was absolutely livid. D12 was upset that this would ruin the frienship and cause a horrible rift with our good neighbors. I was mortified and felt he over reacted, and the girls were scared of the Police coming and having to go through that! D12 feels it could've veen stolen or misplaced, but didn't want to place blame on anyone because she felt no one there would steal it. So she took the blame and responsibility for losing it and the consequences are she no longer has an ipod.
So I replied to XH that though I understood he was upset, that the girls and I were upset he didnt discuss this further with us and I did not appreciate him sending the police directly to my house over this issue without at least talking to me first.
So the fight was on....I did choose to enter into this battle with him. I did it because I felt XH completely overstepped his boundaries by deciding to take over, report this stolen, send the police to my house without even discussing this with me.
His point of view? Well to put it nicely, and in a clean enough matter to even post.... he wasn't alerted immediately, I didn't report it stolen immediately, so he had to make a report because I didn't do a thing, and that he was teaching D12 a lesson. His lesson was that friends don't do that to you and you stand up for yourself. But according to him I was teaching D12 you just let people treat you this way, and that the Magical ipod fairy will replace this item.
I felt very "dirty" after this argument with him. He did everything he could to make it my fault, but I wouldn't take the bait. He insulted me. He used nasty words and wonderful discrediting digs to me personally. And when I wouldn't back down he turned around and said that he was just trying to help and that if D12 didn't want her ipod back he'd just not worry about it.
GASLIGHT.
A two weeks ago he was sitting at the pool watching our kids swim and chatting away with me for over an hour.
The good news! Though this is disturbing, but it's generally rolled off my back. I hate to say it but I think I've finally reached ZERO expectations! I guess it takes consistent nice guy/bad boy behavior for a year to get hip to this.
I've had a strange insight. He and I have fought more in the last year than we EVER did in our entire marriage. We;re finally divorced, yet we get along worse now than we ever did. I thought with me no longer having to hound him for the child and spousal support, and his schedule, everything would just click along. He'd live his life, I life mine. Really no reason to scream and yell anymore really. Yet I still feel like he's trying to rule my house as if he were still here. And even when he was here, he was never like that, but I do know he was working up to it.
I really feel like he's trying to control me through the kids. All I know to do is to choose my battles very wisely with him, other than that just stay clear, and do not contact him unless it's necessary.
What do I do if he just keeps pushing boundaries harder and harder? I honestly DID not think things would get worse after the divorce. Guess i took my rose colored glasses off in one direction and tried to put them on in the other...my future looking so rosey AFTER DIVORCE AND GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE!
I called the Police department and told them what XH had done and that D12 and I didn't want to cause such chaos over it given we weren't sure if it was lost or stolen at that point. I asked them that given XH called them, did we have to file a report or charges. The police department said that they officer wasn't even going to come to the house to take a report until he heard from me as well and wanted to proceed with that. So I told them not to come over and if we felt we wanted to file a report in a few days we'd give them a call.
So XH told me they were coming to the house DEFINATELY, but the police told me the weren't unless I called and agreed to have them come over.
Kimmerz, Your xh is just a mean soul. He doesn't realize that by doing what he did, his children will be extremely hesitant to tell him anything ever again.
I'm so sorry that you and your daughter had to go through this. Thank goodness you called and explained the situation to the officer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kimmerz, it is odd how they want to fight, isn't it? Mine did and does the same. She tries, I don't let her. I was "triggered" as recently as the beginning of the year. I realized it and put a stop to it. There are still triggers that have to be dealt with.
As for being grateful? Really? I don't think so. Be grateful he is in the kids life, but yours? I don't see how that is required.
You don't have to be mad forever either. If he is getting on your nerves and you are feeling overwhelmed overall, perhaps dropping a few things, like texting with him, is a good step for you? Clear the decks and focus on you for a while? I think that helps...it did for me.
They do it for a long time. I think it's part of their way of staying connected in a weird way. It continues until you put a stop to it. It takes time and there are plenty of emotions along the way.
Keep venting, but start taking action to reduce that contact as well.
As for single parenting? Yes, very tiring. TM is right, find a way to recharge. Take the time. You'll be more effective if you do.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You know I recently found out that the guy I hired to do my yard work was a convicted sex offender and was put in jail for parole violaton....Thank God! However I'd much rather have the Police Department do their job and put their energies into getting people like that man back into jail where he belongs, than to fart around looking for an ipod!
Snodderly, yes XH mean spirit just seems to be really coming through. It's finally happening. The true colors of XH and OW are coming through. For the first time since Christmas OW decided to participate in an outting with XH and the girls. She ignores the girls, and hangs all over XH. This has been going on ever since the girls started goig over there. According to D12 she felt OW made a half way rude remark to her, and I think she did. Not sure XH noticed. I think OW is jealous of the girls when she's there. She sure the heck doesn't act like a woman that's motherly and welcoming of her partners children.
Im sorry. I just can NOT imagine EVER shunning someone else's CHILDREN or any children!
AJ.....yes yes....triggers. Im learning what my triggers really are. Its really not so much the venomos spewing, insults, digs, gaslighting and A$$holeism. It's the overstepping of boundaries, and absolutely no respect for me as an individual.
This will always be a battle I guess. I must choose wisely what to engage with him. I feel really stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes. Seems like some serious distance and pursuer going on here. The more distance I give, the stronger he comes on. The more I treat it like "this is your life, this is mine" the more irate he gets and the more intrusive he becomes.
I feel like if I just ignore it, it will just encourage him to think he still has control over us and has a say so. What he did about calling the police would've been much more acceptable had we both still been married and him in the home, as him as head of house hold. What he did was totaly unexpected, yet Im learning not to be suprised anymore. Geez whats next?
Maybe I've been the one giving him mixed messages. When I choose to interact with him in a civil or even friendly manner, he thinks it's ok to still act like he lives here.
As for focusing on me, I've been doing great. It's just when these big things happen with Xh i get a little sidetracked. I've decided Im going back to College! Im excited to go and plan on going through an online college. Work is going really good and Im learning more each day and presented with new tasks to learn and more knowledge under my belt. I have created close friendships with my co workers and they've been so supportive of me this year.
Im in a good mood most of the time, and out of the depression. Im physically feeling much better due to some new supplements Im taking. Im reading some wonderful uplifting books and shifting my thinking into a much more positive way...the way I used to be! For the first time in I don't know how long, Im back on track to living authentically. I think the grieving process has finally come to an end for me, and it feels so great. I look at my life now as anyting is possible! Im just a bit overwhelmed as to what direction I want to go!
Synchonicity is all over the place and signs are everywhere that remind me I am where I am supposed to be and it's time to just enjoy life.
If he is getting on your nerves and you are feeling overwhelmed overall, perhaps dropping a few things, like texting with him, is a good step for you?
Yup, totally agree. Get your DIM on when you're feeling off balance from that stuff.
Originally Posted By: AJM
I think it's part of their way of staying connected in a weird way.
Really just guessing here. I do believe it is a way to stay connected. I also have a suspicion that it can happen when they start feeling the loss of the LBS. They get comfortable, drop their guard, start to feel good about the LBS and then... WHAM! Lock down, push away at the LBS buttons so the can remember why they left...
In my experience, this seems to really ring true. It seems to be that the norm is for spewing to come not too long after friendly interactions!
Now for me personally I always started to get nervous when something good seemed to be going on with xH...just waiting for the other shoe to fall. However I didn't start picking fights with him purposely to try and prove anything or to start building walls up. However I haven't been in crisis mode either.
And you know what? XH told me he would purposely keep an emails where I called him something not so nice (yes I did!) incase he had a "weak" moment when he signed his lease for his apartment.
Whatever... I don't care. MLC or not there is absolutely no acceptable axcuse for anyone to be treated the way these people treat others. I don't care what their issues are at the time, is flat out ABUSE.
I agree totally Kimmers. I notice just when I am detaching nicely H really tries to push his way back into my good graces. It's hard to stay detached when thy are acting "civil" and almost downright "friendly" but I know better now. And I keep my distance emotionally. Just business that's all.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
