Feelings are fickle things. They always change. What I'm cultivating is the ability to step back and observe. (That "Be Still and Know" meditation is helpful with that.) Some days I can be cheery and productive. Some days I'm agitated as grief is working its way to the surface. Some days it's not exactly grief, but the processing of something or other that this stirs up.
Because I'm getting better at observing what's going on inside of me, I'm able to identify things like this fear of flunking the test. I note it and the feelings work their way up to be processed.
The bathroom project is a daily temptation to go down the road of resentment and negativity. At every little obstacle, my brain is tempted to visit the place where I feel angry or at least annoyed that P isn't here helping, sorry for myself for not having any help, stressed that it's taking so long and I'm going to have a hard time finishing the season's outdoor projects. Oh yeah, and after all this torment I might still flunk the test. I imagine that P is measuring the speed of my progress against her productivity yardstick and I'm coming up short. Whether it's true or not, it's a destructive thought for me to have.
This is an example of me letting her determine my self worth. Identifying this stuff is huge, so I'll congratulate myself for that. Getting through it and past it is a struggle, too. As I was listing all my negative thoughts above, I heard the guy from that meditation, "It's an opportunity." Really, it's quite a few. "Be grateful" he says...
