GridLocked

[~ kd ~]

Should I just get her a card, like one from just a friend?

I will say the general answer to this is no, although it would depend on your sitch. Are you LRT? If so, then no card. If you are not LRT, then decide if getting a card / acknowledging your W's b-day / ie. pursuing her... would be "more of the same" or a 180?

It might be a good 180 if your past behaviour was distance / detach and your are not LRT.

[MrD]

Hi,
I'm still "Gridlocked" on moving out.
Here is what's going on.
I have a great new job on a regular 1st shift starting in 10 days and I've opened my own individual bank account to direct deposit funds from selling my selfish hobby stuff and for direct deposit for my new employer. The new position is going to require working about 10-12 hours a day at first for a few months. This is going to be nice for the financial situation as well as the pay increase.
I've been looking into renting a townhome about 15 miles away from where I live now and closer to the new job. It's hard to decide and know exactly what I should get since I've never lived on my own before. My plan is to let the W have primary custody and I'll support her and the boys with medical and what I can afford limited financial support. The W says she's looking for a job but nothing yet. So things would be still very rough for her to live and support S7 & S12 and her grandma without support from her mom.
The Pastor at the church my wife and I go to has been advising me to stay with the family and "fight evil with good" philosophy. And be a good father and start doing more disciplining, as the W has done most of that for the past 10 years. I’ve never done this before and it’s difficult with our situation as she and I disagree on allot of this. W has more experience at this and I have very little. One topic is the fact that S12 spends 2/3 of the week over at one of his best friend’s house and their family instead of at home. I don’t feel this is healthy for him and it makes it difficult for me to know him. The W knows the friend’s parents better than I, but I still feel that is not the right way to live.
All my friends are telling me to move out and show her the consequences’ of her choice. I’m having difficulty trying to talk to the W now as she does things as ignore something I ask, and I know she heard me but pretends not to listen and when she does there is no eye contact and very limited response (i.e. short comments, instead of a conversation).
As far as W’s relationship with her old boyfriend, I don’t think they see each other as often now, but still feel there is communication thru texting as she spends allot of time secretly on her phone.

Any advice?

[MrD]

Bump

[adinva]

Hi MrD - I've been reading your posts and am sorry for the situation you're in. If you're hoping to get closer with your sons, moving 15 miles away and working longer hours is going to make that a challenge. Your first responsibility needs to be toward your kids; they did not choose or cause this and they have no control or say in it. They will only have what you're willing to give them of yourself.

It gets tricky at 12 and trickier later, when they have nonparental interests and activities - I can see that with my nieces who often blew off their weekends with their mom because of their parties or sporting events planned at their home (with dad, a long drive away from their mom's place).

I wish I had more advice for you but wanted you to know someone's here reading your posts, and hopefully you'll get someone with more experience than me.

[MrBond]

Okay, again I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish. You've made her life much simpler again. If you're going to pay for most of the stuff still and spend less time with your kids, that continues to make you the loser in all this.

[MrD]

Adinva,
Thanks for the post, it really helps to have someone to listen though.
I'm having a hard time becoming a father with my sitch, when ever I try to engage in "Dad" duties the W seems to intervene and competes for these duties and attention. Like this evening I was down stairs with the S7 on the computer and he was showing me one of his online games. The W earlier stated that she was going to the S12 last baseball for the season that I said I wanted to be with him for but she was going also. I stated that what about leaving S7 home alone with her 95 year old grand ma. And W said they would be fine from 7-10:30pm alone,"grand ma has my phone number" is what she said. I din't feel that was the right thing to do so I said I'll stay home with them and do something with S7.
So anyway, I was downstairs with S7 on the computer and W came down to say good by and took a seat underneeth S7 and cradled him in her arms and pretended to be intrested in what he was doing and repetedly asking for kisses from S7 while he was explaining what he was doing in the online game(like 6-7 times).
I pretended that was ok as I sat next to them, but inside it really pushed my buttons, as W has learned to do over the years.

[MrD]

I really feel that I've got so much to learn to be a dad as I've been busy for the last 12 years working and supporting the family and not being more involved.
I'm really in the back seat on this, and feel not in control.

[MrBond]

"I'm really in the back seat on this, and feel not in control."

Then you need to get that control. Find some common ground with your kids. When your W butts in, tell her that you were in the middle of something with your son and continue on. You're they're dad and they're your sons. If I could find a way to relate to my two DAUGHTERS I'm sure you could do the same with your boys.

Go out and play catch with them. Take them hiking or camping. Go someplace that you know your W won't go. Take them fishing, hunting, or even just make a model or race remote control helicopters. Make it just YOUR time.

Is there any reason why you couldn't take your S7 with you to watch your older son play?

[MrD]

Okay, again I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish. You've made her life much simpler again. If you're going to pay for most of the stuff still and spend less time with your kids, that continues to make you the loser in all this.

I wasn't planning on helping that much. Just enough to support the boys.
As for medical I'm on the fence for including the W. it costs the same but her doctor visits are frequent now though for the plastic surgeries and the colon thing going on.

I really don't have experience in fathering as I never had that myself growing up.
Most of the time now I feel like giving up and start new life.

[sandi2]

I'm a little confused. What is your reason for moving out and what is your primary goal? Do you want to save the marriage?