mab, alcohol may be fun in the moment but the depressant affects can make it not worth it for those of us in this sitch. Even the next day that mild sadness can linger and it makes it difficult to control our thoughts. It also screws with your sleep which adds to the misery.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just know that we are pulling for you... we have all been there and want to help any way we can.
I'm glad you made plans to go to the comedy club. That's a great start. Do you have the Divorce Remedy book? Have you read it?? My saving grace in the beginning of my sitch was reading my favorite parts of that book over and over. It was the best comfort.
I have felt so much of what you're going through. Some of it fairly recently too. Some other things that have helped is going out and doing something active... go for a run, a walk, go swimming, go punch a punching bag. Get your frustration out somehow and allow yourself to cry... it can be very therapeutic.
I know things seem so hopeless right now. Keep venting here to let it out. We are here for you!! Hugs to you!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
The comedy gig was excellent. Really thought provoking and funny too. I did spend a bit too much of the evening thinking my wife would've loved this but hey she wouldn't have come if I'd asked anyway.
I have read DR multiple times. I've also got an MC who is IC'ing and an IC. I saw the IC tonight and am starting to think there is too much overlap between the discussions I'm having with the two C's. It may be overkill but I'll keep trying for a bit longer.
I set my DB goals 3 weeks ago and so far have got nowhere!
1)I would like to get my marriage started again by september mini steps a) She will call me b) We will spend some time together and enjoy it c) She will spend the night here d) she will talk about coming back 2)I want to rebuild the trust in our marriage by september a)She will say admit that she is my wife b)She will apologise
They look a bit lame now and everyone around me keeps saying I should just give up and move on. I just don't want to though!
So your saying they need work then?!? ;-) The apologise bit isn't a goal, it's one of the small steps that I would like to happen in the run up to the goal. In order to rebuild the trust in our relationship I would like to see some remorse on her behalf.
I am just beginning on my journey with DB, but i am pretty sure your goals have to be things you have control over. Your goals look more like expectations of what you expect your wife to do. If she doesn't call did you fail? I would look at goals that you can achieve that will better you, like exercise more or find a new hobby. Getting in shape is one of my goals and yesterday I joined a gym. I'm not in shape yet, but i took the first step.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
My W never apologized, nor did she show remorse. You may never get that -- is that OK with you? The WAS feels angry and hurt, they don't feel sorry. They actually expect YOU to apologize for putting them in this situation, not the other way around. If you can accept that you'll be in a better place.
Confusedfather is right, your goals need to be about what YOU are going to do, she can't be any part of them. The list above is your list of "hopes". The problem with hopes is that if they don't occur on your timeline you get demoralized. If you set goals that YOU can achieve, then you see progress and get energized.
Set some goals around your 180's, about what you're doing to GAL, how many new people you will meet, etc.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
W came over today to collect post and sign some forms. We had a really nice chat and everything was very pleasant. She admitted feeling guilty again, but said the rational side of her brain kept telling her it was 50/50. Was telling me about work, what she's been up to, her IC. Apparently, she has dad issues plus self worth and neediness issues all of which I could have told her for free! I tried to keep everything light and fun, tried not to talk about me too much. Got in a few of my GAL activities, running, cooking lunch for the lab and organising nights out like last night. I mirrored her as much as I could and there was plenty of eye contact and smiling. No physical contact at all though :-(. I did make a couple of errors. 1) We have paid in advance for a nice meal out that we can have anytime before september. I asked what she wanted to do with it and she said september's a long time away but if I could find anyone else to go with then feel free. 2) Just before she left she was deciding how much of her homemade cider to take with her (it was one of her projects in the garden that I helped out with). I said something along the lines of there's no rush we're not totally done yet and we're both going to be around for a while so collect them next time. Immediately the barriers went up. As she was walking out of the door she said, "I hope I'm being explicit enough, I don't want you to get any false hopes" to which I responded "no, no, I don't want talk about it. You've made things pretty clear. She said OK and have a nice week" and I closed the door before she drove off (that is a 180 thing because I always waved her goodbye when we were together). She has definitely decided this is the right thing to do for now and I think she is using me for a little emotional support.
mab, alcohol may be fun in the moment but the depressant affects can make it not worth it for those of us in this sitch. Even the next day that mild sadness can linger and it makes it difficult to control our thoughts. It also screws with your sleep which adds to the misery.
True. Alcohol will be fun for that moment, and later and the next day it deepends the emotional pit. You will drink again for more fun, and go even deeper into the emotional pit.
During a depressive situation the affects of alcohol or more noticeable. It's a very dangerous drug.
