Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Journaling:
Working on patience and slowing down.

I'll start with the more important things first: S and I went to taekwondo and he warmed up to it. I think he will be a natural, and I'm looking forward to learning with him. He and I practiced at home.
I got more hours at work (I want to save as much as I can, and I need to be ready to pay for son's school by myself if needed). Until the house sells, I've been given some time to think about where I want to be and what I want to do. I'd rather make a informed decision and well thought out, before being reactionary.

I have been pretty good about exercise and food this week.

In H and Relationship news:

H is still living at apartment, no furniture, but coming over now nearly every day at 5:00am and staying longer. He is being more communicative now and not biting my head off. Even making breakfasts again. He's making comments about being 'old'.

I talked to him briefly yesterday about me needing him to be here tonight so I could go out and GAL (got a girls night planned of drinks, dinner, movie) he tried to ask me specifics but I'm being vague. He's made some comments about how he bets there are a lot of other men who would are lining up for me. I didn't play into 'reassuring' him this time.

I was hung up on when I said I had an office space for him and that I would respect his boundaries if the door was closed (something I didn't do before). He said he was 'considering it'. I said okay and to be fair, I would want to keep 1/2 of my paycheck, as he keeps 1/2 of his paycheck. Then I stayed quiet (after I caught myself pressing him, I didn't want to continue it more). He hung up on me and then when I didn't call back - he called back an hour later apologizing for hanging up and gave me some lame excuse. I said 'oh okay' and didn't engage in conversation to try to make him feel better (and to keep myself from running off at the mouth again).

I woke up to H stumbling around at my house at 3 am (not his apartment that I'm sure was closer to the bar he went to). This going to bars so frequently is not a normal activity for him but I just gave him a bemused look. (Old LIO response would be to confront him about who he would be with that late.)

I saw him fiddling with his phone (texting??) I said nothing. (the old LIO would have ripped that phone from his hand and angrily said 'what girl are you texting now?'). He said "Life just [censored], everything about life [censored]. Life [censored]". I said: "You want me to sing a Killers' song? It's not so bad, it's not so bad, how do you know that you're right?" [this thread name is a lyric from that song]. He asked me to sing another song that he named instead. Being drunk, he laughed at everything I said (which wasn't a lot) like I was a wonderful comedienne.

He was in the midst of being sick, I gave him a wet towel for his neck and he said "I don't want to be married, why are you taking care of me?" in a confused tone. I replied "You make your own choices on what you do, and what you want. I am allowed the same - so I don't want you telling me what I can't do" I turned around and went to bed. He stayed in the bathroom for a bit, and eventually found his way into bed. I made it a point to not touch him at all then because I didn't want to give him a 'passive excuse' (like 'I'm drunk) for engaging in physical relationship. I woke up with his legs surrounding me.

Today he has been really caring towards me. I'm not talking any more than I need to - but he's making a point to make eye contact with me.

I am really working on shutting up today. Just because he's being nice doesn't give me an invitation to blab away, or engage him in my plans.

I will say that I am very much aware that he will try to slide back in if he had a chance. I don't want to close the door on him, but I am also not waiting on him or taking care of business for him either. It actually scares me a bit to think about him coming back - so I try to not think about it.