i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

I'm baaaaaccccckkkkk...

wasn't sure where to start so thought i would give an update.

25 - thank you for your heartfelt message. i think i'm in a good place. and hopefully i can give back to someone who can benefit from feeling they are not alone.

hmmmm.. so H and i completed RV. we are not R.. we are not together.. but i am so glad i had the chance to go. because i learned a lot more of myself and i had moments of clarity that i might not have otherwise seen had i not gone.

when i look at where i was 9 months ago, i can't even recognize who i was. and i never envisioned that it would be possible to find some happiness again. in all honesty.. i don't even remember what it feels like to be married to H anymore. i don't remember that feeling of knowing he was coming home to me.

H and i get along fine. we're cordial.. friendly.. hard to imagine that he was my best friend. i don't share a lot of my life these days and he doesn't share a lot of his life. he continues to txt random messages asking how my day was.. wishing me a good night.. i don't initiate contact unless i have to.

i want him to be happy. i honestly do. i'm giving it a bit of time before i bring up the whole.. getting his own place thing again. my focus is now stability for the kids.. for all of us. i'd like to sit in my home.. look around.. and really feel that it's mine. paint my walls.. put up pics of friends.. and have people over whenever i feel like it.

i've been really thinking about what i want in my life. trying to define who i am? and that's in all aspects of my life. do i want to start dating? what am i looking for there? is it time to start taking a couple of courses to get into a specialty area at work? i have new friends.. love them!! they are like family...

in the end.. i love H dearly. we shared 12 yrs of our life together. because it is now ending.. i don't see it as a failure anymore. because we have 2 beautiful kids.. and we did have many great moments where we laughed and shared amazing experiences (like seeing elephants on my 30th bday!). i still am a firm believer in marriage. but it came to the point where i had to let go to find myself.. and honour him enough make his choices. i can't predict the future. maybe H and i will reconnect on this journey.. but maybe we won't. i'm just continuing on my life and not letting it pass me by..

i'd love to try to give back what i've received here on the boards but frankly.. i'm not even sure where to start! lol. i'll muddle through and see what input i can give. if anyone has suggestions.. please don't hesitate to point me in the right direction!