Barn's burnt down--

[Autumn Leaves]

Hope you enjoyed your getaway labug!!

[2chiquitos]

Please let us know how it went!

[heartbrokeinsd]

thanks..for everything (((bug)))

[labug]

Thanks for the well wishes. I had a very nice time in the mtns, it wasn't as cool as it usually is but still very pleasant had some very nice bike rides. Otherwise I read and friend and I solved a large number of the world's problems. You can all feel safer now.

Her H was there and he is very like my H even in body type and personality. I've been very interested in couple interactions since the BD and it is so glaringly apparent to me the things that I didn't do in my M, both good and bad.

The number one thing I didn't do was show my appreciation enough. I think I journaled on this topic here but in an IC appt I talked about not doing that with my kids. They didn't get appreciation for doing the baseline stuff because that was expected and I know I did it with H also. That doesn't mean I never said TY for little things but I just didn't make it a habit. My appreciation for having them in my life was not always apparent. I've changed that.

Also, they did a lot of light touching when sitting next to each other, Things like holding hands or just lightly putting a hand on the other's arm.

It's been an up and down week work wise because I'm trying to work through some issues with my second job so I'm a bit unsettled around that.

I saw H last night as we needed to sign some papers to get the ball rolling on refinancing the house. He agreed to it readily and as the initial request needed to be in by today to lock the rate, I texted him yesterday afternoon to see if he wanted to meet me somewhere to sign. He texted right back with "I'll come up." I replied "I can meet you at *bux if you don't want to come all the way here." We don't live far apart but he had been working all day and has to drive quite a ways to get home from work. He texted "No, I'll come up."

He was here for maybe 90 minutes. We talked about inconsequential stuff and a little about the refinance. I talked about all the fun things I've been doing. All very pleasant but it's always so surreal because here we sit chatting away as if things are peachy, both still wearing our wedding rings so we look very married but there's this elephant in the room that neither of us mentions.

I'm not so good with the unknown, not having control. I'm working on it.

And yes, I did have expectations, I tried not to but I did as I could tell after he left.

As he was leaving I made eye contact and said "It was good to see you." It made him nervous and he brushed it off (can't remember what he said) He very clearly didn't say it was good to see me. So I have to fight my black/white thinking and not make the whole interaction about that.

It was good to see him but I did want to ask "Are you happy?" because he doesn't look or act happy. Yes, that's me mind-reading but I'm mind-reading a man I lived with for 33 years.

So, there it is. Not great, not terrible. I need to look at this as the glass is half-full. That's work for me.

[RoRoinMD]

LaBug, I think your interaction went pretty good. You showed that you are still living your life.

Those darn expectations! Glad you recognized it. Now you can move on to more fun and exciting things!

[labug]

Thanks Ro, my sister from another mother.

Yes, I have this anxiety in the pit of my stomach that wants me to do something even if it's the wrong thing. I know I will get over it but sh!t, I've been at this a long time and I know it's not over because things aren't better yet!

So I'm making a list of baby steps.

6 months ago
1. he wouldn't respond to texts from me.
2. he wouldn't have come to the house.
3. he wanted either to sell this house or to get his name off the deed/loan.
4. he hasn't talked divorce
5. he has never spewed.
6. he doesn't do crazy.
7. there is no OW

Must keep these things in mind.

[bustingout]

Thats a great list labug. Seems like a good way to stay afloat. I might give it a try myself.

I'm glad you had a good trip. I did wake up feeling safer this morning in fact. ;-)

[sayitaintso]

Good take aways from your trip w/ the other couple. I find myself observing couple dynamics all the time as well and find myself learning from them and wishing to have another chance to put some of what I've learned into practice.


As far your time w/ h. Any interaction that is not negative is positive to me.

Why did you not want to ask him if he was happy or not? What is the worst that could happen?

As u said Bug, u have been at this a while and I totally respect you for it. That is a great list of positives, no matter how small, BUT (sorry Mach)

-Your H is not filling any emotional needs for you and I know you are filling as much as you can for yourself but do you have a pull to want to have intimacy, companionship, partnership, etc..?

What's that anxiety pit in your stomach stemming from?

I'm finding lately that my own personal needs (the ones that I am unable to fill myself) are starting to become more important to me than waiting for my w to make a decision to re-connect. This is very strange for me because I have always been a giver as well as co-dependent.


I'm also having an issue w/ the lack of communication (not saying u are). We haven't had a r talk in 6 months or so and I've decided recently that that is not working for me.

I have been very diciplined w/ the DB principles and have not initiated any talk because I want her to make the decision to discuss things w/o my influence but it is to a point where it is not working for me to discuss things every 6+ months. Not communicating is what got us where we are.

I'm not projecting my sitch on you but it is working for you to not discuss anything at all for so long?

Are you hesitant because you are waiting for him to engage or are you being stubborn and/or scared to bring anything up?

Your personal growth has been inspiring Bug.

[labug]

OK sias, thanks for those questions, I have to think about this and will get back.

[BFloat]

interesting questions from SIAS...

ok.. i think i've been missing a few comas here and there too..

and i'm sorry.. but ants are a huge problem! but i showed those suckers who's boss! the sightings are few and far between these days.. but i think they're just laying low.. waiting to pounce when i've become too comfortable... when i think i'm ok....