so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

thanks bug,
i am encouraged by it. he seems to want enlightenment but it may be hard to give up having his way most of the time. hopefully, he will come to realize that, in the long run, that never works.

now i need opinions:
next month is the biggest boating event in our city. thousands of boats go to the beach to watch an all-day air show. we cook out on the boat, drink (of course), and stay in the warm water all day. it's my favorite day of the year.

previously, i've told H i would not ask him to do anything with me and would wait until he asked so he would not feel pressured and i would not feel the sting of rejection.

however, today i advised him that if our boat was going, i would be on it. he said he hadn't thought of what he was going to do that day so i told him that if he doesn't take the boat (i can't by myself), i would drive over and he could do the same or go on someone's boat (which i knew he wouldn't because he likes to be the captain of his own boat).

i told him that i hope we are still friends and he would take another friend. i also said the i know i'm not that hard to be around. he said he didn't want to mislead me. i advised him that i'm not being misled and i'm wanting to have a good time on the boat. i told him that he has a full life, living with his mom, working a job, having friends to do things with, watching t.v. with her, walking in the evenings with her and his uncle, eating meals with someone, having coffee with someone in the morning, etc., and all i have in this town is my son's family. i said the everytime i see them, there's always kids around (they have five) so i have very little interaction with other adults when no kids are around.

then, he choked up and said his life is not full. i told him i'm sorry.

he said he would think about it and call me back. then he sent me an email and said he had some ideas about the boat and the event.

of course, i was "expecting" the worst. however, when he called, he said we would go on the boat together. he said he would spend the night so we could get an early start.

then he said that it would only be us. in the past, we've always had family and/or friends on the boat with us. however, my DIL really stresses him out so i'm thinking he's taking that off the table. but then, it leaves his family off the table, too, and they really stress ME out.

i would really rather it just be us.

he also said that we will anchor someplace where we usually don't. most of our family and friend know where to look for us. his freinds from the office anchor at our usual place, too. no one will be with us or know where we are.

he always sees me in places where people we know are NOT. he comes to mow the lawn and ML. he says he's still trying to figure out what he wants. he kisses and hugs me hello and goodbye now, where after the bomb, he wouldn't come near me.

what's going on with him? any opinions?