I've come a long way on this one already, but things I want to continue to do:
- be more patient - really listen - show unconditional love for kids and W - learn to trust again - shed my insecurities - be more upbeat and lighthearted
I've done a lot of work on most of these, but there's still a lot of work to be done.
What do you see as a common theme here ?
What are you doing to address these things ?
HOW are you working on patience?
HOW are you learning to listen?
Lets start with those two...
They will incorporate into being more upbeat, and the other ones, we will address later
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Listen to the complaints of your wife, and really think about them. DB says to believe none of what they say, although in this instance, you should really listen to her, and the things that YOU want to change within yourself, you should look at.
I will do this with the wife in the next couple of days. We have some dialoguing on the schedule as well as a retrovaille follow-up, so there should be an opportunity to openly ask for some feedback here.
This, I have a hard time reading....
And I think that it falls into that catagory of insecurity for you. You are looking toward her to 'fix' you. The things I was referring you to, were the things that you have already spoken of. I believe that asking now, would come across as a ploy from you, and insecure.
Most WAS/MLCers can smell fake like Oprah can smell a Twinkie at a picnic....
What you work toward, is from the information that you already have inside of your own noggin....
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You mention that you need to work on your insecurities, and jealousy issues...
Why do you think that you are like that ?
Where do you think that the root of those issues lives ?
I've spent an awful lot of time working on this one, as I think it was the main thing that was pushing my wife away, and negatively affecting my behavior in an awful lot of ways.
I think this came from the fact that my parents divorced when I was about 9. They weren't great parents to begin with, but once divorced, they barely knew we existed. I took my younger brother on as my responsibility, and I pretty much stopped being a fun loving kid at that point.
Throughout my childhood, I think my parents reiterated this over and over. I think this is where I really became reluctant to open up and be vunerable. With my wife, even when we were teenagers, she was one of the few people I really felt vunerable with. For that reason, my insecurities were significantly higher with her, and frankly, as adults, she managed around my insecurities rather than me addressing them and putting them to rest.
I think I also got a "think the worst" attitude, called negative thinking according to the things I've read. Never addressed it until recently and I think it's really become a bad habit. I am making huge strides, but it's still work. When my wife comes home 2 hours late smelling like beer, I'm not thinking she was working on a deal over beers, or even that she stopped and had a beer with a girlfriend, I immediately think she's been with someone else. And once you get that in your head, it's difficult to be kind or even ask the question in a decent way. I read "Learning to Trust" and that really helped me, but it's a work in progress.
I understand completely with you here. I was much the same way. Those fears of abandonment that I had inside. I knew that bad things were gonna happen, and what eventually happened for me, was that those fears inside of me, actually became the things that I worked toward, instead of away from. Because I let that fear consume me from the inside. Once I faced those fears.....they weren't as bad as I had built them up to be in my mind.
With that, I can tell you that the worst thing that you can imagine....has already happened. Like it or not, you have stared at that fear that you had built up in your mind.
And you are still here. It didn't kill you, and it won't kill you.
How do you want to move froward from that ???
You...not your marriage, or your spouse.....
You....????
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Originally Posted By: Mach1
There are some things also that I read, that I would like for you to think about....
Do you think that you have displayed any of those ???
Yes on all of those. Jealousy and insecurity where my main issues I think...controlling I think was a derivative. Judgemental and superiority, yeah, I'm ashamed to say I've been pretty bad at those too. Judgemental I think I have really put behind me. There was an episode of Joel Olstein where he focused on judging, and it really hit home. I didn't really see the superiority issues in myself until recently, but I can definitely see that my wife has dealt with it. Some may be her own insecurities, but I definitely haven't built her up the way a H should.
Good thinking points. Thanks!!
What do you think, has driven you to these types of behavior ?
Why do YOU think that you are judgmental ?
Additionally...
All of this, can become consuming.....quickly
That is one of the reasons that part of DBing is to GAL.
What are you doing to take a break from all of this ??
What new things are you trying ??
What is the one thing that scares the bejeezus out of you when you think of doing it ????
