Barn's burnt down--

[labug]

Thanks for the well wishes. I had a very nice time in the mtns, it wasn't as cool as it usually is but still very pleasant had some very nice bike rides. Otherwise I read and friend and I solved a large number of the world's problems. You can all feel safer now.

Her H was there and he is very like my H even in body type and personality. I've been very interested in couple interactions since the BD and it is so glaringly apparent to me the things that I didn't do in my M, both good and bad.

The number one thing I didn't do was show my appreciation enough. I think I journaled on this topic here but in an IC appt I talked about not doing that with my kids. They didn't get appreciation for doing the baseline stuff because that was expected and I know I did it with H also. That doesn't mean I never said TY for little things but I just didn't make it a habit. My appreciation for having them in my life was not always apparent. I've changed that.

Also, they did a lot of light touching when sitting next to each other, Things like holding hands or just lightly putting a hand on the other's arm.

It's been an up and down week work wise because I'm trying to work through some issues with my second job so I'm a bit unsettled around that.

I saw H last night as we needed to sign some papers to get the ball rolling on refinancing the house. He agreed to it readily and as the initial request needed to be in by today to lock the rate, I texted him yesterday afternoon to see if he wanted to meet me somewhere to sign. He texted right back with "I'll come up." I replied "I can meet you at *bux if you don't want to come all the way here." We don't live far apart but he had been working all day and has to drive quite a ways to get home from work. He texted "No, I'll come up."

He was here for maybe 90 minutes. We talked about inconsequential stuff and a little about the refinance. I talked about all the fun things I've been doing. All very pleasant but it's always so surreal because here we sit chatting away as if things are peachy, both still wearing our wedding rings so we look very married but there's this elephant in the room that neither of us mentions.

I'm not so good with the unknown, not having control. I'm working on it.

And yes, I did have expectations, I tried not to but I did as I could tell after he left.

As he was leaving I made eye contact and said "It was good to see you." It made him nervous and he brushed it off (can't remember what he said) He very clearly didn't say it was good to see me. So I have to fight my black/white thinking and not make the whole interaction about that.

It was good to see him but I did want to ask "Are you happy?" because he doesn't look or act happy. Yes, that's me mind-reading but I'm mind-reading a man I lived with for 33 years.

So, there it is. Not great, not terrible. I need to look at this as the glass is half-full. That's work for me.