grrr KD - you never answer my questions directly - always make me work so hard to figure it out on my own. can i have an easy day ofF?
oh wait - no of course i can't, what was i thinking, wanting to be so self-indulgent:)
asking for a day off from this, is like asking not to live -it's all part of the experience of living - good or bad.
yes you're right about the swimsuit thing - maybe i am just very nervous of being out there with so many people doing something that i haven't done before - never swam at s's b'day party.
and i think what is behind everything is that i'm feeling damn vulnerable about this party. all eyes are going to be on me (i can hear it in their voices on the phone these last couple of days when they call to confirm)- how can zig be this okay during all of this? i'm going to be hanging out with our old friends - h's good friends who he's hung out with during this separation - and i'm f'ing nervous about it
but it goes beyond just the party. am i being true to myself even working towards saving this relationship - maybe that's what you are picking up on? i do find myself thinking about that a lot.
aargh. even though we are excited about the party, and i know it will be fun, a part of me doesn't even want to be there at all. i don't want to do this thing with h - and i am sad about that.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
