Pretty good week so far, though I could sense some irritation creeping up as we talked last night. Wed I usually play golf with friends, but due to the heat, I decided not to. Instead, I went to a late lunch (sushi!) with my brother. W called and asked if I was at happy hour, saying she'd stop by if I was. I said no, but could make it happen. She said she still had to work, so no rush. So instead of rushing home, I went to my B's and watched a movie. I kick myself because I always make myself available to her...this was a little better than normal so I'll give myself kudos for the baby step.
Last night we went to happy hour for an hour or so and it turns out she was irritated about me taking 3-4 hours to get home Wed. I don't think this is really negative, because I rarely leave the house (pretty sure I'm taken for granted for this), and I was available via phone. She explained she had maybe 1 hr of work left, and fully thought we'd be hanging out and I explained my side and we both left it at that.
The stuff I don't like is that even when we're out trying to enjoy each other, she'll look at someone and say "is that the kind of girl you'll be with if you leave me?" I don't like how the idea of us not being together has creeped into everyday conversation and seems ok. It's the last thing I want. I really think she's insecure with the idea that I'll be with someone, and that seems weird to me since she's the one that keeps saying she's leaving.
When we had our conversation about separation last weekend, she had said she had a huge fear that I was going to be very vindictive and try to make her miserable. I said that if she chose to separate, I would spend all my time trying to make me happy, trying to be a better me....hurting her feelings, or being mean to her would be the last thing on my mind. That too seemed to upset her.
Baby step on her side....I had a stressful time with the kids yesterday and she told me this morning, she would take care of dropping them off and picking them up so I could have a free morning. Very cool! I made a point to text her (I was sleepy when she left) that she looked great in the dress she wore. She did, and I thought it, but actually telling her is a 180 I've been working on this year....and recently I figured out that this is her love language, so I am working a bit harder at voicing these things.
Anyway, we agreed to try to do our dialogue hw today and we have retrovaille tomorrow, and then family vacation with her side of the family next week.
