Thanks zig - caught me off down a slippery slope there!
MG - I just get this impression of my face superimposed on a slobbery mutt with his tongue hanging out - and with a full drool on
Quote:
she needs to feel your detachment - so the sooner you start the faster she'll feel it. get goal oriented and and use those goals to get you what you want.
Done deal - your 2 x 4 (wrapped in cotton wool) worked wonders
W got home 2 hours later than her SMS - her Pa kept her (W not happy with that).
General chit-chat with mutual and W in which she called me "my lovey" a couple of times! No I'm NOT analysing
Says Pa has asked her to work for him and she's not very sure at all! Whoopie - good sign after the crud that happened in the past. Good - she's thinking!
All-in-all a good 30 mins before she departed with mutual friend to watch football on the telly. AND she asked me to wish her luck with her team - I did.
Still waiting for the words from the wise Or just "wing it".
don't read anything into anything right now, and one thing that has worked for me is total acceptance - on every level - that shows her that you really validate her feelings and are not focusing on taking things personally.
so casually mention the braal - hey i like that new word, thanks - sort of indirectly as in - oh what 's the menu for the braal this week, or what time are people coming over and then the ball is in her court and she gets to initiate what she wants to do. if she just responds as if she expects it to happen, then casually go with it, like it's no biggie.
if she says i don't want to do it or i don't think we should, then get even more off hand - like it's no sweat off your back, and shrug and say oh cool, i was thinking i may go to the movies and then actually go. don't bother to invite her. if she asks to come, say casually sure, why not.
let her initiate, but don't press back or offer too much - act as if you don't really care if she;s around or not - it's the same to you.
do you get the picture? she's banking on you begging and pursuing - throw a little spanner in the works here to get her wondering where the heck you are really at. act as if , hey this scene is not so cool, i'm going elsewhere...
the more you distance LOVINGLY, without judgement or any indication to her that you disapprove what she's doing, the more she'll lean toward you to find out where you're at.
but ANY behavior on your part that you are upset or hurt or angry -as in for e.g.. i'm not having a braal with you after what you just pulled on me kind of stuff, will just keep her more determined to do it.
there - you have it easy - it took me 10 months to figure this out - but i also got to the point where i am willing to lose my r with my h - so maybe that helped. just trying to jump-start you straight there GRIN!!
MEANWHILE - work on those 180's and figure out what her grievances are and why (without asking!) and work on detaching and letting go of all the negative feelings you have towards her.
hang in there
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You're a bit of a spoilsport by saying don't read anything into it - it's human nature to spot the good stuff. And why it happened.
I'm off to the tool shop first to buy a small spanner
Everything sort of makes sense but is totally counterintuitive (thank you spell checker).
I'll certainly ask her about the braai (with an "i" on the end . Sounding like a school teacher now. Let's see how it goes.
I'm real worried about this L thing in the background all the damn time. I've had a nice reply from the lady L saying my email has been noted and she'll take it up with her client. I'm hoping that the L will not initiate a meeting. Surely that's up to my W to arrange an appointment? Otherwise is smacks of the L just wanting to get on with "it"
I'd rather it was the W in the driving seat with the hope that she'll be the one to put any meeting off (indefinitely).
Back to work and sort a few other people's problems out now.
Thanks for the input zig - really gotta ask you one day about your bang to the noggin!
i think mac - if you start acting a bit indifferent and casual but NOT unloving - you have to find the balance - things will take care of themselves - in that she may herself not push things along too fast.
it's the dropping the rope kind of thing. as long as she senses your resistance (you pulling on the rope), then she has to pull too (her resistance). if you sudden;y stop pulling - then there's nothing to resist right, and she's left holding the rope wondering what happened?
oh, there's a lot of spoil sporting here - no one gets by with getting to fool themselves that anything is going to happen anytime soon!!! the trick is to quietly notice anything positive happening and feel encouraged to keep working towards your goal balanced with NO FRISKING EXPECTATIONS!!
and it's hard work - but the sooner you get to that state - the less of a roller coaster ride you'll have. because the WAS works you hard - they don't want to not have the option of changing their mind, so every time they feel you pulling back even the slightest, they get nice and try to draw you in, and then you get all expectant and they pull back to nastyville again.
so stay consistent in your behavior - if she's being nice, then take it was a sign that you're doing something right - but don't expect anything to turn around overnight.
go scream and shout elsewhere or come vent on this board, but in front of her or anyone else act as if you're just fine.
btw - maybe others will chime in - but the mutual friend - i would think twice - maybe she can be instrumental in mediating between you too -
hopefully someone else will chime in here about that. my own experiences finally showed me that there is nothing or no one that can convince h other than himself. and the only way he is going to be convinced is if in some way he sees that it's worth coming back - because things won't be the same as before.
the only way they can be convinced by that is if you work on yourself, work on the dynamics between the two of you and a lot of time.
are you considering the bootcamp thing - making small goals and sticking to them will give you some much needed focus at this early stage.
mac - just like the rest of us, in the early days one really thinks that any day this is going to turn around. since you went through this before - you know how it feels. use this time to figure out what didn't happen right last time , and start working on that.
and all of this you have to do on your own - you can't be asking her, because she will take it as pursuing. come check on the boards if you don't know what is the best thing to do, ask here, before you do it. read as much as you can - but most important - get yourself in a good place where you don't feel totally nutty all the time
also - just to give you something to think about - grin - worrying is a form of control. don't think about things that haven't happened yet - just stay as much as you can in the present. start practicing that every time your head starts to go nutty, change the thought to something else.
I'd rather it was the W in the driving seat
tsp tsk - bad attitude (grin!!) .
you need to be in control of YOUR life - don't give that power away to someone else. find out what it means to be empowered - we are all in the process of doing that - and it's very different from controlling. it means that no matter what someone else is doing , you feel in control of your own life and can still be a loving centered grounded supportive person. it means that you have absolutely no power over what someone else decides, even if it affects you dismally, and yet you keep your sense of self intact , and enough self-confidence and esteem to move forward and know that you will be okay.
to get to this state of self empowerment - takes a lot of work on our parts - it doesn't come easy. so find out for yourself if you are indeed ready to commit to all of that
have a great day - and give yourself a gift: put on a timer and don't think of your sitch for ONE whole minute!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
H zig - thanks for all the pointers you're giving me. I seems like you ARE doing a good job otherwise there would be a flood of comments
The not unloving bit is easy for me - just hope that the W realizes it for what it is and not indifference. I can relate to the "things will take care of themselves" as a 180 - normally I'd be "fixing" things.
The rope bit also makes since in the respect of stubborn (as a mule) which the W truly is. So dropped it is. That's going to confuse the heck out of her!
I can see the roller coaster on the down cycle. After yesterday, I've had sweet not-a-lot today. Go figure. But I've a huge stock of deteminatin in store. She's worth it. Our M is worth it. Our future is worth it.
And you're right - I can actually see my W trying to ge me worked up. A male friend of mine - the one that told me what the W was going to do this says that he's always admired me and my outlook on life but I could be a pain at times. Me - a human dichotomy (spell checker working overtime!). Well, the ship is now firmly on a level keel. I'll do my best to keep it there. If the wheels fall off - the neighbors will know about it. They'll hear my head banging against the wall . Hugh - a ship with a wheel????
The mutual friend? We've known each other long before my W arrived on the scene. I hope she's not got her eyes on me!
I'll take a look at the boot camp section - anything to focus! And you're right again - second time around is still a shock. I would have hoped I'd learnt my leason(s) the first time round.
And YOU put a grin on my face with your posts. Bless you zig,
I hope others won't get upset (too much) with my posts. The reason? I tend to be a bt of a funny bugger when start coming right. Watch this space.
Finally - only one minute? It's taken a lot longer in my reply to you - another thank you
W going to be confused in the morning as I bid her a fond goodby (only for a few hours . I have some work to do. Haven't worked Saturday in AGES! It'll do us both good.
Jeez- is it me or is it quiet in here? Was it something I said (or didn't) or did (or didn't)?
Thank goodness for the one and only digital friend on this board (so far) - zig.
Journal - Spent last night alone. W didn't come back to her bedroom.
Left for a scheduled work appointment. Something I used to hate doing - Saturday work. But today, strangely, it was pretty good. I knew exactly what to do. Met the guys from another company and we all got stuck into stripping a huge server cabinet. I got on with troubleshooting a crappy Internet connection.
Towards the end of the stint (about 2 in the afternoon) the W messaged me (she didn't know I was working):
W: "Main (friend) coming to watch rugby with me later. I am not cooking. Must I get meat"
Me: "Yes pls honey. Still stuck at x"
W: "I am confuse. You were just at x. Are you getting the meat and things?"
Me: "I'm at x now. Big job in server room with cable guys. Taking long. Hours yet :-( Can't get out till later so meat? Damn. Better have toast :-("
W: "Ok will get meat. Going to need the money back though"
Me: Thank you. Appreciated (again)
W: Pleasure. Need money back
Whew!!!!!! Up we go, down we go. Not surprised. Nice to see her "putting up with me" as a chef if not a H.
