from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Hmmm, my anger...time? Prayer? Tears? I dunno honestly. But thank goodness I don't let hime see it.

What would he be doing to prove his great awakening?
He would talk to me. He wouldn't use the kids as an excuse to make contact, he would honestly talk to me. Don't throw stones people (bc some have), but as far as I'm concerned, he would have to earn me back. Yeah, I'm completly back on WAS mentality. He would have to REALLY SHOW me that he is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. The road home wouldn't be a guilt trip, but I'm not just gonna roll out the red carpet at the drop of the question.

But I have 0 expectations and honestly think he lacks the courage to do it. So I'm just focusing on me.

No stones, please. I'm just being honest.

[strongerthanever]

Oh, my church is having a half day seminar on forgivness that I registered for. NOT planning on wearing makeup as I'm sure I'll be crying my eyes out.

The fact that I choose anger tells me that it's just a way of covering the pain/fear. I'm obviously not over the pain he has caused me over the past 2/3 years of the M.

So I think asking how I get over the hurt is the real question, and I still don't know the answer.

[~ kd ~]

The fact that I choose anger tells me that it's just a way of covering the pain/fear. I'm obviously not over the pain he has caused me over the past 2/3 years of the M.

Thank you for acknowledging that possibility.

No one wants to feel the pain. Unfortunately the truth is often that the only way to heal is to feel. The only way past it, is through it...

[strongerthanever]

I have began to notice that. I would cry every now and then, but it wouldn't be because of my sitch, being lonely or anything like that. I became aware that I was feeling as if I were reliving some of the bad memories again and the pain would feel very real and raw.

And then I would ask myself, after all this time, why are you feeling like this? Because I was so busy being a waw or lbs that I was distracted.

So I allow myself to feel the pain, but not obsess over it. Before I can give love to any future r I need to love that hurt person inside of me. I think confronting the pain, feeling it and allowing myself to let it go (can't be an excuse forever) is how to start. At least that's what feels right.

I do know it's right there on the surface though BC it's so easy for that raw pain to sneak up on me.

[~ kd ~]

That's interesting, Jammie... I know my W told me many times that she would be really sad... and I while I hoped it had to do about the two of us, I came to understand that may not have been the case.

FWIW, consider that you being a WAS may have very little to do with your H. Your H may just be a target for your angst as even the little things he may do or try to do "right" rub you the wrong way. Not because of him, but because your hidden pains are surfacing... whether you want them to or not... because you may never have really worked through them...

Having said that (the NEW "but", here), if that is the case... and your H is very aware that you want to leave... and has chosen to leave, himself...

Since your M is already dead... you may as well lay it on the line for him and let him know that you're realising that a lot of what is going on for you may not have anything to do with the sitch and that while you understand his desire to move on, that you will work on your issues and that if possible, you might consider discussing the two of you again in the future...

Make sense?

Of course, that's just my opinion. Totally up to you and others here may have a different opinion...

[strongerthanever]

I like the challange you gave me. Did I leave bc of H or was it something else? Damn good question. I'm gonna have to sit on that one for a while and do some good inward looking.

That being said, the man that he is right now is the same man that I walked away from nearly 7 months ago, which is why I have let go. I have experienced so much personal growth during this time that I will no longer accept a marital situation like the one that I left, EVEN IF he was not my sole reason for leaving.

Is that wrong? Selfish? Unrealistic? WAS bsychobable?

[~ kd ~]

Think about this for a bit.

Why are you focused on his negative traits at all?

Your M is dead.

If he was a friend, would you focus on those traits?

I am friends with people who have traits I'm not hugely fond of. Yet, I am still friends with them. And I don't spend my days thinking about their stuff that pisses me off.

I think I could actually be friends with my W. I'm just not sure I would want to be M to her. But then again, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about which of my friends I would want to be M to...

Make sense?

[strongerthanever]

Yup, and I needed to hear that today. Seriously.

[strongerthanever]

KD

were you a was? Have been reading some of your posts and was suprised to see that you are afraid to work on your marriage.

Me too.

Just not sure how to get over it. I know not to take H actions personally, even if they are directed at me. I BELIEVE a big ingredient is accepting the not so good and praising the good (should WAS want to reconcile)

BUT...what if you feel like you are sacraficing needs that are important to you? Like truly being appreciated, loved, a priority? Does this DB stuff mean shoving those emotonial needs in your back pocket and just surviving off of them being back? No one wants crumb cake.

I am afraid too. Really afraid. You would think after all the pain we have endured our heart would just scream out "enough!" and magicly turn off any love for them.

My heart and my head seem to have a mind of their own, seldomly agreeing with one another...

[strongerthanever]

update...

yesterday H and I had our initial status conference at the court. it is going to be a long process. we have to have an actual trial bc we have children.

H was there early, and called my name out when I walked by. I could tell he wanted me to sit with him. I just said hi and kept walking. I didn't sit by him in the court room either, but he kept staring at me. As soon as it was over I left.

I met my gf for happy hour and had a blast! She confessed that H made it appear that he has cut all ties with me and only briefly talks with me to discuss the girls, which we all know is a lie. Kinda hurt to find out that I am regarded to as a dirty little secret. But, I realize that has more to do with him than me. I let out go and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
.......................................................................................

I work the night shift in the hospital. I woke up around 1 this afternoon to a surprise. H Sent an old pic of my daughter and I to my phone. I thanked him for it. He told me it was his fav and then told me he had been watching the home made movie he made for us. it was our love story, complete with our fav music.

wow, shock. he opened up to me like this nearly one month ago. last time I wasn't so smart. I expected a reconcile, and when he went out of town with ow that night I reacted bad. I told him the next day that he was free and that I was going to file. I was served a few days later, lol.

so this time I knew better. I pretended as if I were a friend that he was talking to so that my emotions would be in check. It did get personal though. I shed a fee tears, but we were texting so he doesn't know.

he once again told me he wanted his family back, wished we could go back in time, said he didn't treat me right, said that everything was just out of control and wished he could stop it. said he didn't give out his all and felt there wasn't anything we couldn't handle. H also said he wanted to show his girls that their parents love each other and put each other first regsrdless of what is going on. Wow.

He told me he was getting butterflies talking to me. he said that everytime he sees me he wants to hold me so tight. This is where I was honest. I told him that all of those times that he would hug/kiss/flirt with me were confusing for me. I told him that gave me hope.....and then he would dissapear again. I acknowledged that he was sorting out a lot, and that I kept my distance for a reason. I told him that it was best for me not to see him when we switch the girls bc I am focused on moving forward with my life, and that not having these confusing interactions helped me to let go. He said he understood.

H has made it obvious that he wants us back together, and it seems like he is scared. I completely understand that. I'm not planning on initiating any convo between us. This is part of his growth. Love is strong and makes you brave. If he truly wants his family back together God will give him the spirit to stand up for it. This is a big 180 for me, letting him find his solution.

So, I'm not holding my breath waiting for a text. Still living my life and loving myself. I've got plans with my bff (who lovingly says "well letts see what he's made of", and 2 papers to write for school.

As for the divorce, there is lots to do and more paper to file. He knows if there isn't any forward movement in the case it will be dropped, per the courts. I'm thinking it's best not to do anything official for now or to push/discuss it.