In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

[breakdownbill]

I think my W's negativity has been rubbing off on me lately & I need to snap out of it.

I don't know if it's a little bit of the holiday blues, but since we've been back things are polite but very frosty between us. I can't remember a time when we've laughed or talked about anything remotely interesting or entertaining this week.

I need to gain some more positivity, to try & change this around, but there are a few things that have got me to this behaviour also...

When we were on holiday I must have had about 7 or 8 really bad triggers about my W's affair. I stopped myself going downhill each time & made sure I took a breather from my W & kids for 5 mins to get my head together, but they were bad.

The other day when I found out my degree class, lots of my friends on the course were celebrating with loved ones, family and their partners & it made me feel jealous and empty. I still haven't even got a card from my W or kids to say well done.

Then I started to think, my W didn't get me a card or anything of her or the kids for Easter, Father's Day, my degree results and it's my Birthday on Monday.

I know I shouldn't have expectations, and this is probably just the norm for WAW but it still hurts.

I haven't told any of my close friends about what's been going on and I haven't made any plans to go out & celebrate my birthday. This is partly due to my best friend picking up on my W never coming out with me when I meet up with my BF & his GF & i couldn't explain my way out of her not being there.

At first when I decided not to tell any of my friends what was happening it was to protect my W and make things easier if we R and my friends wouldn't be a factor to avoid for her, like she has been with my family, but I'm starting to realise that this is stopping me from living and having fun.

No wonder I'm having so much trouble with my GAL, I'm avoiding it, because of what I'm hiding from my friends.

I'm gonna try & shake some of this cloud off me & go for a run to clear my head.

Bill