so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

thank you all for your kind words. i considered what some of you have suggested but i think i'll keep my name, if only to remind me of how things will be again should i not continue the work.

i think the name is kind of like a scar that reminds me of a very painful time but has mostly healed. it's not totally without pain but getting better, until it's hopefully, just a memory of a trauma i got through.

i went car shopping with H yesterday. we met at the dealership and looking at cars together felt like old times. we're a good team.

he always hugs and kisses me when we meet and when we part now. in fact, he reminds me to hug and kiss him when we part. after the bomb, he would not initiate any affection and let me know that when i did, he was letting me but his heart wasn't in it.

i stopped doing it then (except for ML, which he seems to be fine with). now, he's initiating and it's very nice.

he also sent me a loving text and email yesterday about how i'm changing and how it's making him feel so much closer to me. he said i'm an "inspiration" to him.

but he really never mentions coming home or R. when he talks to me, i detect things that pertain to a future together, i.e., "save this receipt because we can deduct it from our taxes".

i think, maybe, he's afraid of being hurt again and wants to make sure he doesn't come back and the we go through it all over again. he said he never wants to be hurt again like he was before.

he's still seeing IC and so am i. my IC is solution based but i think his is more about rehashing all the things that hurt him and finding a way to make himself happy.

my IC wants to see him. i told him and he said he would but then pulled back, one sentence later, and said he'd think about it. what i like about her is she asks, what do you want and how can we get there. as i said, solution based.

he's reading "how to improve your marriage without talking about it".

i'm reading "co-dependent no more" and "boundaries, when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life".

it's scary, yet, enlightening, to see so much of myself in these books.