actually i know i bought the thing - but i don't really know if i am actually going to wear it:) it's not particularly skimpy - or anything - i don't know, maybe it's the colors ... we'll see.
and yes - i DO feel good - just finally decided that if i am on this crazy path, i can be miserable all the time as i have been for years, or i can just decide to fly high any chance i get.
the idea of being able to laugh and just be delighted at any little thing WHILE one is still hurting badly - it intrigues me. i want to keep finding out whether i can be really good at it.
i still sob occasionally and feel terrible, but i'm finding that it's much more fun to get that draggy part over with and get back to laughing again, every chance i get.
i've been reading and listening to a lot of LOA stuff and the idea is that if you keep focusing on the good stuff - and if you don't have a heck of a lot of those to focus on, then find any tiny little thing and focus on that and even exaggerate it in your mind till you just feel a bit better. i think it works - so little things like the cake , or s covered in marzipan - and i think it's not so different from GAL and DB'ing in general - what they promote, i mean...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Did you make a mistake? No. If he took it the wrong way, his problem. You do not need to acknowledge that you THINK you know why he abruptly ended the convo. He simply ended the convo. It is YOU who decided what his reason was.
Make sense?
I had a text convo with D14 today. I had heard that my W had lost a lot of weight. I never noticed, the last time I saw her. I would have chosen not to say anything at that time, now... I'm not so sure...
Anyhow, I asked if D14 would agree that W lost a lot of weight, she said yes... then asked why... I said, no reason... I could have left it at that, but then I decided to add that I actually wanted to acknowledge that I was happy for W. There is some contextual problems with the texts so I'm not sure if D14 got defensive or if she was wondering why I did not tell my W. Anyhow, I stumbled through it and I think the convo ended well.
The point is, for a moment, I walked on the egg shells. Then once I realized I was stumbling, I swept the floor and finished the convo on a high note. And from there, I am thinking nothing more of it.
The point is, I don't know, and it doesn't matter, and that's OK.
The other bit about you thinking your S10 might be strategizing... Some of the stuff you've written certainly suggests that. Although you don't really know his motivations.
Both my D14 and D9 are behaving and sharing differently between my W and myself, my W and I have recently learned over our little discussions the last couple days. My W has one idea and I have a different idea of why that might be.
And we could both be wrong...
Not 2x4s at all. Just reminders that DB is about what works for us and being true to ourselves in positive ways. Enjoy the good bits and discard the negative bits.
Stay consistent in the good of you and know that your intentions are good and have no expectations.
i've been reading and listening to a lot of LOA stuff and the idea is that if you keep focusing on the good stuff - and if you don't have a heck of a lot of those to focus on, then find any tiny little thing and focus on that and even exaggerate it in your mind till you just feel a bit better. i think it works - so little things like the cake , or s covered in marzipan - and i think it's not so different from GAL and DB'ing in general - what they promote, i mean...
I'm doing ok. H and I had a conversation this morning and he's still saying he is leaving. Check out my thread for all the details. Maybe I need to look into this LOA stuff.
hey thanks kd - and 2 x 4 all you want. it's not like i can't tell that i am sort of "flying high" here a bit. wondering if i am going to crash any time soon - i actually don't think so, but who knows.
the other day i was telling a friend that each person really gets what they can handle, and that's why some peoples sitches are so much worse than others. and suddenly i don't feel so afraid of what is coming or not coming - i just KNOW now that i can handle it in the long run - that i'm up to the task.
i've never had this kind of feeling before in my entire life...
about the egg shells? Just sweep the floor...
i love this - but i do have to temper my impulsive side - it's too impulsive and always got me into trouble - finally i'm beginning to understand how it hurt the people i love and just don't want to be that way any longer
You do not need to acknowledge that you THINK you know why he abruptly ended the convo. He simply ended the convo. It is YOU who decided what his reason was.
you're right - i was mind-reading. thanks for pointing that out. yes that makes a lot of sense. got to curb my own "sensitive" side here!!
The point is, for a moment, I walked on the egg shells. Then once I realized I was stumbling, I swept the floor and finished the convo on a high note. And from there, I am thinking nothing more of it.
thanks for telling me what you did there- actually my first thought when i read that was - that's what i do with s when we get into difficult arguments - and then i feel even more triggered off because i'm already walking eggshells with h and then when i do it with s, it feels even worse.
so no more egg shell walking for me.
about s strategizing - i'm not seriously making anything of it - it was more about telling an amusing story here. it just made me smile. and your;e right about the kids sharing so differently with each parent when they are separated. i have noticed it all along, because s talks to me a lot, but h is just now becoming aware of it
Just reminders that DB is about what works for us and being true to ourselves in positive ways.
okay - not being over-sensitive here, i hope, but are you trying to tell me very very nicely that i am somehow not being completely true to myself? if you are, i'm really really okay with that, but would love some clarification - as in pointing out to me exactly in which way - sometimes it's hard to see where one is at oneself, and the best thing about this board is that you get to find out before you mess up too much
it's funny kd - about the expectations thing - i don't really have any right now. i've been posting about all these little positive things that are happening - but each time they happen, i am genuinely surprised. heck - it's not like i've forgotten what he said last saturday.
the only expectations i have are that i am going to be great, and get through this not just intact, but way way better than i ever was before. if i had to say what my best skill was, it's that i never do anything half-a$$ed. so i do totally expect that when i get to the other side of this, i am going to be great either way. i have a long way to go, but not as long as i did before, and so the journey doesn't feel so hard any more, because i know i'm well on my way
thanks kd - you always "straighten' me out every once in a while and get me on track again!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
KD - i'm not one to leave something unresolved - too impatient (grin)
i get "thoughts" as i stand by the stove waiting for my tea to boil - so i'm thinking about your "be true to yourself" comment there and then i'm like - oh was he thinking that i was trying to buy some sexy swimsuit to seduce h?
so instead of mind-reading - i am asking, because it seems like you weren't going to reply
and just to clarify in case i gave the wrong impression - it's a big deal , a real 180 for MYSELF to wear something even remotely flattering - i never had the confidence before. i was confident about my abilities to do things, like work and stuff, but never about my body.
i see women all around me wearing what i always thought were rather revealing stuff (and i'm referring to short shorts and tank tops!!), and i never even dared to try them on. this swimsuit thing is for me - it's huge. it's proof that i have finally let go of the horrible long term effects of sexual abuse, and feel good and comfortable and accepting of my own body.
i had actually already decided to go for it before s made that remark, and it certainly didn;t influence me to take it for that reason. in fact since then i've almost felt uncomfortable about actually wearing it.
go figure....
and then here's another part of my personality - the blunt side that i;m trying to temper, but i hate unspoken stuff which still makes itself present in some way (i'm not talking about what you wrote, but actually changing the subject - just thought i'd start with you , grin)
so what i'm noticing lately for the first time on the boards - there's a split emerging about two approaches toward the idea of whether one should be intimate or not with their spouses. recently, a few people have said, including me, that their coaches are encouraging them to seduce their spouses.
and i sense that there is a certain amount of disapproval about that approach.
i guess i'm a bit confused - it is stated non-stop that the coaches and Michele are the experts - so if they are actually encouraging us to do this, how does that work with support on the board? not to mention them putting it as " start having an affair with your S"
so what are your thoughts on this, and would love to hear from others on the board too.
and i guess, just to be a tad bit wicked and light-hearted - heck if my sexy swimsuit makes him look twice, why should i care? i WANT him to look twice - does it only apply for certain things and not others?
and here's another little wicked thought (alongwith a big careless grin) - heck if OP can seduce all they like, why can't we? i guess some would say that that wasn't being true to ourselves
i guess i don't see the seduction as being so purely sexual. there is so much connection between 2 people that have been together for so many years, that this type of thing includes all of that . allowing that to be expressed even during the worst of the sitch - could that be seen as unconditional love, or is that some serious rationalization going on? (i'm not saying that's how i think, i'm throwing out things to consider)
i guess these questions have been on my mind for a couple of weeks now, and so i'm taking the opportunity to ask them now. thanks for letting me use you as a sounding board here.
oh and further clarification, so you know where i really stand - i'm really on the fence about whether i would want to actually repeat what happened last weekend!! zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i guess i'm a bit confused - it is stated non-stop that the coaches and Michele are the experts - so if they are actually encouraging us to do this, how does that work with support on the board? not to mention them putting it as " start having an affair with your S"
so what are your thoughts on this, and would love to hear from others on the board too. zig
Hi Zig,
So glad you raised this issue.
It's one I keep seeing on the boards as well. It seems to me that DB coaches are more into the "be nice, be the OP, concentrate on making home a safe, welcoming place" line of action.
This does seem at odds with a lot of the 'go dark, accept that the M is over, tell spouse you too want a D' alternative.
I find it really confusing to know which way to go.
Do what works, I suppose, but the two lines are at opposite ends of the spectrum, it seems to me.
Zig, you raise excellent questions. My coach told me to become H's girlfriend again, so that's what I've been trying to do. He hasn't changed his mind about leaving, but our interactions have completely changed since I started that. And I'm enjoying it. We used to have so much fun, do so much stuff, and then just didn't anymore. We are not back where we were of course, but there's a lot more fun being had.
And as for the seducing thing...Cheryl also told me to do what I used to do before. Well before the problems started, I was all over my H like white on rice, and he liked it. And based on current interactions, I'd say he still likes it. He wasn't getting it from OW being that she's 5 1/2 hours away. *shrug*
I think its something each person has to decide for their own sitch. I agree, do what works. If I thought it wasn't working I would stop. Well maybe...I won't be getting any for a while if he leaves, so I might need to store up. LOL
Zig, I can definitely tell you that the "be true to yourself" was very specifically intended to be interpreted by you in what ever way it needed to.
It's interesting that your thoughts locked onto the swim suit. I had read about the swim suit and didn't really give it a second thought. Like you asking me about how my thoughts on tats, fast cars and hair removal might be MLC... is doing those things "true to me"? The truth that I feel right now is, I have no freakin' idea. To me, it would be like changing my clothes. Trying something new and seeing if it fits. I really don't think it will... I'm not sure how much longer I'll keep my ear ring...
What I do know is that what ever I do, how ever I change myself externally... well, there is no way to know whether those things will lead me to my salvation... lol... which segues to...
About expectations, sometimes its not expectations of your external environment that we might want to look at. Rather, our expectations of and for ourselves.
Do you notice how a WAS has expectations for themselves and what they are doing? As though extricating themselves from the "bad M" or "bad spouse" will suddenly make their life better? Or even "eventually" make their life better?
And just as much, the lack of expectations of the external environment... is that not sometimes just an expectation that everything in the external environment will just stay the same, regardless of what we do?
There IS ONE expectation (aside from death and taxes) that we can be absolutely sure of. Do you know what it is?
