Hey Accuray, I didn't want to hijack Advina's thread, so I came back to mine to post an update. I don't have much to add to my sitch. Things are pretty much status quo for me, except that I'm dealing with it much better. I can't really say why, maybe just a resignation that this is how things are going to be.
I thought about venting about a couple incidents but just didn't take the time to dwell on it by posting. For one, I accepted H's invite to go out with him and his daughters on father's day, as an effort on my part to meet his needs. One of his daughters works at a country club and they offer a free event for members/family with food and fireworks. Well I didn't know you couldn't wear jeans at a country club, and none of them told me. I don't golf, I don't visit country clubs. They all do. I actually changed up from the shorts and flip-flops I was wearing beforehand to jeans and heels, thinking I was doing well for sitting on the lawn watching fireworks. When we got there, I wondered why everyone was looking at me, until I figured out it was because I was the only one out of 200 people that had on jeans. I just left and went home and changed. I really didn't feel much of anything. Perhaps disappointment. H thanked me for going, apologized for not telling me. All good from his perspective.
Then, I found a baby bird that had fallen from a nest a few weeks back, and S and I were raising it. We did it about 5 years ago and S remembers it fondly. Of course, while he was off at BS camp for a week, it was my responsibility. No problem, I like taking care of animals. The plan was to release it when it matured. Anyway, it had reached the point of setting it free, and H decides to do it with S when I'm not home. As if it's something I wouldn't like to be part of. He apologized, said it was a mis-queue. Again, I didn't really react, just felt disappointed. Plus, I hoped it would come back like the last one did, and it did later that evening.
I don't believe he ever did post anything on a board anywhere. I didn't go snooping, but I asked him about a week ago. He said he hadn't, that he was still reading, that he wasn't comfortable opening up in a public (albeit anonymous) setting like that. I'm guessing it has completely fallen off his radar by now.
Recently, he's been talking with his ex-wife's brother. This is someone we had a falling out with shortly after H and I got M'd. I know of it because I've been forwarding the calls/messages. H hasn't shared any of what they're discussing with me, why he called out of the blue after 17 years. I'm not sure if he's purposely hiding it or purposely excluding me or just thinking I wouldn't be interested or what. Understand, my H is someone that relays the one-liners he delivers at his 6:30 a.m. racquetball game when he sees me at 6:00 in the evening. Point is, he doesn't have a problem sharing unless he's hiding something. I wonder why he's not telling me, but again, it's just disappointing. I don't think I've actually been angry with him for two weeks. That's a switch for me.
But the biggest switch-up for me is that I've re-engaged with him sexually. Again, I'm not sure I can really say why, specifically. Part of it was reflecting on your sitch with your W. Part of it was a comment you made about me being someone that criticizes him and denies him sex, so that makes me lucky that he's engaging at all. Part of it was your comment about a spouse being solely responsible for meeting certain emotional needs. Part of it was the three bottles of wine we shared one evening with the neighbor across the street. It's not an emotional investment on my part, anyway, not this time. I think of your sitch with your W. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it to take it off the table. Sorry, I know it's something you're not happy with in your sitch. My H doesn't seem to mind.
My only concern about my sitch is that I feel like I'm stuffing my emotions so much that I have a hard time feeling anything at all, at least in regards to H. It's beginning to feel like it's just a role I'm playing, like I'm acting out a script. But H is ignorantly happy and I don't see any value in discussing reality with him. I don't have what you described I should have in a partner. I doubt I ever will. I've just stopped shooting for it. I don't know how you read the books you do and not get completely bent out of shape. I'm just having to let it go or I'll tear myself apart with frustration. In the meantime, perhaps until S is out of the house, I'll do my part, or "play" it as the case may be, to the best of my ability. I'm just not sure what option there is to improve anything.
Hmmm, I guess I did have a bit to update on afterall.
It's not an emotional investment on my part, anyway, not this time. I think of your sitch with your W. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it to take it off the table. Sorry, I know it's something you're not happy with in your sitch. My H doesn't seem to mind.