Thanks. I'll try to answer some of these now, but others I'll have to do some work on and get back to you.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
What is it that YOU want to work on ?
I've come a long way on this one already, but things I want to continue to do:
- be more patient - really listen - show unconditional love for kids and W - learn to trust again - shed my insecurities - be more upbeat and lighthearted
I've done a lot of work on most of these, but there's still a lot of work to be done.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Listen to the complaints of your wife, and really think about them. DB says to believe none of what they say, although in this instance, you should really listen to her, and the things that YOU want to change within yourself, you should look at.
I will do this with the wife in the next couple of days. We have some dialoguing on the schedule as well as a retrovaille follow-up, so there should be an opportunity to openly ask for some feedback here.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You mention that you need to work on your insecurities, and jealousy issues...
Why do you think that you are like that ?
Where do you think that the root of those issues lives ?
I've spent an awful lot of time working on this one, as I think it was the main thing that was pushing my wife away, and negatively affecting my behavior in an awful lot of ways.
I think this came from the fact that my parents divorced when I was about 9. They weren't great parents to begin with, but once divorced, they barely knew we existed. I took my younger brother on as my responsibility, and I pretty much stopped being a fun loving kid at that point.
Throughout my childhood, I think my parents reiterated this over and over. I think this is where I really became reluctant to open up and be vunerable. With my wife, even when we were teenagers, she was one of the few people I really felt vunerable with. For that reason, my insecurities were significantly higher with her, and frankly, as adults, she managed around my insecurities rather than me addressing them and putting them to rest.
I think I also got a "think the worst" attitude, called negative thinking according to the things I've read. Never addressed it until recently and I think it's really become a bad habit. I am making huge strides, but it's still work. When my wife comes home 2 hours late smelling like beer, I'm not thinking she was working on a deal over beers, or even that she stopped and had a beer with a girlfriend, I immediately think she's been with someone else. And once you get that in your head, it's difficult to be kind or even ask the question in a decent way. I read "Learning to Trust" and that really helped me, but it's a work in progress.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
There are some things also that I read, that I would like for you to think about....
Do you think that you have displayed any of those ???
Yes on all of those. Jealousy and insecurity where my main issues I think...controlling I think was a derivative. Judgemental and superiority, yeah, I'm ashamed to say I've been pretty bad at those too. Judgemental I think I have really put behind me. There was an episode of Joel Olstein where he focused on judging, and it really hit home. I didn't really see the superiority issues in myself until recently, but I can definitely see that my wife has dealt with it. Some may be her own insecurities, but I definitely haven't built her up the way a H should.
