hi ss i was thinking the same thing as need grace, who cares if h or anyone else are uncomfortable - the only ones to consider are you and his d.
are you close with her? can you not just call her yourself and say, your dad invited me and i'd much rather know what you think about it.
it's like s's b'day party this weekend. there are a myriad of ways that i can approach it - when i was keeping it all heavy and negative, then it became that in my mind but when i switched to the positive perspective, i'm really enjoying it.
it's all in the perspective. you could assume the good here, and just see it as h inviting you and take that at face value, and go enjoy yourself and i think if you make yourself truly comfortable about being there, the others will respond to that and become comfortable too
besides - you have some time - so let it be for a bit and then you will see where you are at with it in a week or so
take care zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yes you have to look at the positive. I know that you R with the kids was troubled (at best) but Bill is right he wants you there WITH HIM not FOR HER.
My DB coach said that I have to accept he good and not want it how I want it. He's inviting you to share a special occassion with him, you can make him feel good by going or you can make him feel bad (in DB coaches words a failure) by not going.
I highly doubt any 22 year old would let the spotlight not be on them.
Sometimes we make a decision into a bigger thing than it is.
Go enjoy his company feel honoured that on this special day he wants you by his side.
i know you're right in enjoying it with him and really, for him. i will follow grace's advice and see how i feel about it as time goes by. the graduation is not until dec.
i really don't feel i can call her. i don't think she would answer the phone when she saw my caller i.d. afterall, she's not responded to my text and emails.
a friend of mine, who's a psychologist, advised me to do as grace suggested: ask him to find out if his D really wants me there. that way, if she doesn't and he does, the conflict is between the two of them and not between him and me or her and i.
i think i would ask him, also, about whether or not the rest of his family want me there, too. may as well have that conflict be between him and all of them and get me out of that, too.
sadly, most of the conflict between me and her has been reinforced by him confiding in her in an inappropriate way during the initial period of his bomb (and maybe more since, i don't know). rather immature and selfish of him, in my opinion. but, at least, he will now have to deal with the fallout from it, too. maybe he'll grow some because of it?
i think i just put a positve spin an a negative! ;-)
thank you all for helping me. you're great cyber friends!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
ask him to find out if his D really wants me there. that way, if she doesn't and he does, the conflict is between the two of them and not between him and me or her and i.
Sounds like great advice.
I just mentioned to you on mab's thread how you have grown, it seems you've turned a corner.
Yay for (I wish you could change your name, cause i don't think you're scared silly anymore)!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you, bug. What you and Accuray said to me on mab1's post brought tears to my eyes. If I'm making any progress at all, I give all the credit to God and this community.
Reading all of your stories and experiences is what has gotten me through the hardest times of my sitch. Seeing how to make myself a better person by emulating your fine examples, is what's saving me, now and for the rest of my life. I won't let us down. I've never been given so much support by so many people; not even my family.
As I told mab1, this gift is a blessing and I am so grateful.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
and i totally agree with bug - not only does that name not suit you at all any longer - the title of this thread doesn't either.
so start thinking about the next thread title - and see yourself for where you really are - in a way better place than what this one implies
we have to start APPRECIATING our own successes in a much stronger way than we do - look at us all here - every last one of us - we are all AMAZING!!
from the very first post - the growth starts - and we are so busy focused on our was's that we can't see it for so very long - that's the wasted time 25 is talking about in some ways
have a wonderful day, ss
((( ))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
thank you all for your kind words. i considered what some of you have suggested but i think i'll keep my name, if only to remind me of how things will be again should i not continue the work.
i think the name is kind of like a scar that reminds me of a very painful time but has mostly healed. it's not totally without pain but getting better, until it's hopefully, just a memory of a trauma i got through.
i went car shopping with H yesterday. we met at the dealership and looking at cars together felt like old times. we're a good team.
he always hugs and kisses me when we meet and when we part now. in fact, he reminds me to hug and kiss him when we part. after the bomb, he would not initiate any affection and let me know that when i did, he was letting me but his heart wasn't in it.
i stopped doing it then (except for ML, which he seems to be fine with). now, he's initiating and it's very nice.
he also sent me a loving text and email yesterday about how i'm changing and how it's making him feel so much closer to me. he said i'm an "inspiration" to him.
but he really never mentions coming home or R. when he talks to me, i detect things that pertain to a future together, i.e., "save this receipt because we can deduct it from our taxes".
i think, maybe, he's afraid of being hurt again and wants to make sure he doesn't come back and the we go through it all over again. he said he never wants to be hurt again like he was before.
he's still seeing IC and so am i. my IC is solution based but i think his is more about rehashing all the things that hurt him and finding a way to make himself happy.
my IC wants to see him. i told him and he said he would but then pulled back, one sentence later, and said he'd think about it. what i like about her is she asks, what do you want and how can we get there. as i said, solution based.
he's reading "how to improve your marriage without talking about it".
i'm reading "co-dependent no more" and "boundaries, when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life".
it's scary, yet, enlightening, to see so much of myself in these books.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
