Also, not all problems are looking for solutions. Using the 48 hour rule, validate first, then step away and before attempting to work out a solution, consider if the problem was asking you for the solution.
Sometimes the solution is for you to validate and allow the problem to solve itself.
I like this, great to remember for us fixers.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
even while i was posting here about it, i was saying to myself - stop being the fixer. don't try to fix s's inability to express himself.
must have done something slightly different last night. usually the next morning he's still a tad bit growly with me, but he wasn't. and then i made a joke as i gave him breakfast - and he was all over me loving me.
he's so sweet - he learned about shiatsu points at his aikido class - and he must have sensed that i was tight and achey this morning (i hadn't said anything at all) and while we were hugging he zoned in and found the two worst channels and started giving me a treatment!!
it was actually so powerful i was taken aback. the kid has really learned to channel his chi energy, and it's amazing!! i had to tell him to take it easy - his fingertips were barely touching my back!! then when h came in - he plonked himself down in the living room and s went behind me and started working on my neck.
there's a very subtle change going on in the dynamic between the three of us, mostly to do with s. h and i did everything separately with s and s had really got into the habit of doing and appreciating certain things with me and then very different things with h. he never lets them overlap.
i think s has always sensed that h hasn't "approved" of certain things - well, it wasn't hard to do that - he has been outright disdainful about most of my interests. and i have to be honest and say that i wasn't the most supportive of a couple of his
well lately (and this seems like such an insignificant thing - but as we all know in our sitches - those little things are what stick out the most.), s has insisted that they buy Kombucha and he can drink it at h's house. h actually asked me about it and i said lightly oh yes he's been drinking it for a while now and wanting me to buy it. i was really surprised to hear that s had bought it with h
what's significant here - h spent years pissed at me for buying organic food and doing weird things like probiotic drinks. so s and i do them on our own and when s goes over to h's he acts as if that part of life doesn't exist until he comes back here.
well , looks like he's decided that he' is going to integrate them a bit more for himself - which is a very good sign. he's taking care of his own needs a bit.
otoh, s is also finding out that h's "kicking and screaming" about stuff like that may not be all that serious - because h had no problem buying the stuff and didn't give s a hard time about it .
so let's see how that keeps developing. there's no doubt that s has this new determination about him. mil and i discussed it last week - it's almost like an attitude by s: if the two of you (h and I) are going to keep f*cking up here, i better start taking care of my own needs a bit and make sure i get things a little bit my way! and I love that he's developing the skills to do that.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
so a couple of days ago, got a phone call from the gas company. our bill was not paid. i was spaced out and thought it was the electric co. and that it was the bill for h's house.
one of those odd things in our sitch - when h started renting that house and signed up for the electricity - he put the billing address for our house, so all those bills were coming here. in the beginning i handed them to him - and then the last 3 or 4 months just threw them out. he never asked for them - and i figured he was paying them on line.
so i thought this was for the electricity and when i told him about it yesterday - he pointed out that no, that was the gas bill, and we were supposed to pay it on line. then i realized that i had messed up, and it was indeed my bill and i had forgotten to take care of it because it was not an automated payment. when i tried to call and pay it, they wouldn't let me because only his name was on the contract.
so i emailed him yesterday and asked if he could add my name and that he'd have to call and pay it. so he took care of that. i apologized and said that i had messed up
but interesting response from him. saw a return email from him this morning , just before he came - it wasn't the usual completely terse abrupt ones i always get:
"Ok, I paid online. We had not paid that bill in four months woops. How do you spell woops?"
another small significant thing - which if joann hadn't pointed out i would probably have missed. we've had a spelling thing in our family from the beginning. h is slightly dyslexic, and always felt very vulnerable about the fact that he can't spell the simplest words. huge pressure for him to write even the simplest emails. he always asked me non-stop to spell things - and here's where it got difficult for him -i think it mad him feel more vulnerable with me. I am an ace speller - and i always just casually told him, not making a big deal out of it. well, when i read that email i realized - [censored] he hasn't asked me how to spell something for 10 months. WOW
s is also an amazing speller for his age (he could read all the dr.suess books when he was 3!!) - ooh was that proud mom showing off??)- the three of us used to have tons of fun with the dictionary - s and h would pour over the pages looking for the most bizarre words for me to spell and all three of us would laugh and relish the fact that i barely ever got them wrong.
so i'm taking that as a little positive here
to acknowledge what may have been him allowing himself to be a slight bit vulnerable in the email - i let him know this morning that i've been having a hard time sleeping all week. we've both spent the last 10 months trying to give the very strong impression to each other that we are doing great, that we're on it that we're getting everything right. i think it's time for us to show a little that we aren't all that strong. he's doing it lately - so i'm going to reciprocate.but just casually, not making a big deal out of it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
hey - reached one of my mini goals here this week.
last 2 weeks, h has been insisting that HE take care of all the food prep and i do the cake. i stayed really backed off, finding it hard NOT to say i want us to do it together.
well, he just dropped s home - and guess what? said - "i'm planning to get all the food ready tomorrow evening, so if you guys want to come over and do it with me that would be great"
i reacted pleased and said that would be lovely - and it would be so nice if it was a team effort.
then i asked if the pool was ready and he got all excited about it and i said could we come and swim too - sort of testing the waters - he didn't pull back or withdraw and said that sounded like fun. the interaction was really warm and friendly and a great connecting moment:
it was the last day of their class - and they'd brought s's little fired pieces home and both of them were excited to show them to me. then a slightly intimate moment where h handed me a piece of paper sort of on the side, and i looked at it and then just looked up with love and we both smiled at each other, so proud. it was this very dedicated list that s had made about all the things he had done during the course. h smiled back really warmly - and i said - s, are you just so proud - you just finished your first university level course.
then h picked up the juggling balls andvstarted juggling and tossing them to s. another thing he hasn't done since he left!
so after he left - SIL called - and got on Skype with s to discuss b'day present needs. i joined them for a couple of minutes and swimming came up, and i said where's the best place to get a swimsuit as i need a new one.
the girl is obviously oblivious!! can you frickin' believe she offered to lend me one of her GF's swimsuits? i just laughed it off - i am going to DB so hard with her when she comes tomorrow, she won't know what hit her!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
got it! i'm not doing that. actually i'm just acting as if all this is natural and no biggie - just staying amazingly consistent in my behavior no matter what.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Good job zig! Be consistent...don't change anything now because what you are doing is obviously WORKING!!
Very happy for you!!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
brit - you around - i just got into the same mood as you!!
was talking about myself on the phone to h - the story is long and unimportant, but i thought i really messed something up and called to ask him if i did. that part was fine, and i thanked him - good interaction. then he left a message a bit later about checking into one of the details and i called him back to let him know i had decided to do what he suggested. then i say" i am so damn naive. i expect everyone to be well-intentioned and don't expect them to screw me over - especially large companies"
ooooooooh! he took it totally as if i was talking about him - which i so totally wasn't, and the next thing his voice goes all funny and he says literally - "don't mean to cut you off but i'm really busy, in the middle of something." i cheerfully said oh sorry, didn't realize you were busy - how could i -we were chatting all relaxed for over 10 mins!!
i didn't realize till after i got off the phone that he had taken it that way.
bloody over-sensitive [censored] - so tired of pussy footing around him!!
well - i'm not upset or worried or afraid - actually just highly irritated!!
s is up to something - will post about it later!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
feeling better again - s went swimsuit shopping with me - insisted, because he wanted to make sure i get one! don't know what he's up to - can't even get him to come voluntarily to the store with me ever!
so the suits are really picked over and there's almost nothing left in my size except these sassy shorts kind of thing in bright pale green, and a psychedelic pink shirt top. so i try them on and then he makes my mouth drop open - oh this is what you have to wear - you look like you did that night at the halloween party last year.
weeell my halloween costume was completely audacious. mil and i got together and raided her closet and we came up with this bizarre very sexy outfit and even took a large bra and stuffed my breasts (this was 2 months after the bomb!) then i painted my face blue and we did my hair all crazy and when h walked in he just about dropped! (that was a real 180 for me - never dressed up for halloween, let alone audaciously!!!) then i dragged him in to the bathroom sat him down and painted his face blue - then he finally relaxed! let's put it this way - he made some mistakes that night.
so here i am 8 mos. later realizing that s picked up on that big time, and here he is encouraging me to kind of look like i did that night.
so i am totally laughing here - i think the kid is actually strategizing a bit
so h just called while i was writing this - and sounded all nice and asked for some password - not that i would know it -it's to get on line at his parents house. asked him to call about tomorrow, so i don't have to initiate anything whatsoever!
can't wait to go to sleep tonight - am exhausted, but have to go make some cookie dough first to shape into the stands for the cake!!
s and i had a great afternoon, messing with marzipan and pastry cream and we're kind of sugared out - i think we ate more marzipan than we shaped into soccer players!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
