New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

I’ve been told by several people to never give up. I agree and I don’t plan on it. What I find interesting is when I don’t’ initiate calls, GAL, detach, etc….They seem to be things that might appear to W like I am giving up. When in all actuality, I am not giving up. (the whole counterintuitive thing)
I rarely initiate calls or emails to my wife. She initiates emails to me daily. A lot of it has to do with the transferring of some of the bills and the logistics with the kids. Every now and then she will add comments like,

“I hope you’re doing good”
“Did you know I was born in ABC city?”
“How was the night with the kids last night?”

I just don’t know what to make of them and how/when to respond. Who knows, maybe I am over analyzing things. This is probably all just normal stuff during separation?

I need to continue the 180’s but they seem like they’re moving along at a snail’s pace. I am having a really hard time thinking of some 180’s that can quickly be implemented.
My W seems to have 2 major marriage killers. My financial instability and helping out with things, (domestic stuff). She likes everything planned out and in order. Here’s a list of some of my 180’s.

I REALLY need to start making bonuses at work.

I need to start contributing to kids college fund.

I need to always make sure my house is clean.

I need to start buying the kids some new clothes.

I need to participate more in taking the kids to their doctor/dentist appointments.

I need to pay off some neglected bills.

I need to buy new clothes for myself.

I need to regularly take the kids to get their haircuts.

I need to spend more time playing with the kids when I drop them off at W’s apartment.


Thanks Accuray for helping me do some brainstorming with my 180’s but as you can tell, I am still struggling with them.. They are all important however I think it will make a huge difference if I can REALLY focus on the first one on my list. It might take me a couple months to start getting bonuses. In the meantime I need to focus on my 180’s that don’t cost money. Any other ideas?

My W always hated the messy garage. She doesn’t live in the house anymore and I now have it spotless, go figure. I feel a bit odd helping her out with the domestic stuff at her apartment because I don’t spend much time over there, I feel like it would be out of place to start washing her dishes when I do a kids drop off.

Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[roughenough]

Well, every day is still hard. I know I will have my up’s and down’s. I am still hurting however I am seeing small signs of glimmer. I am noticing subtle changes in myself, such as my confidence has increased and my sense of humor is coming back. It’s been a long time!! My old self was never gone, it was just hiding within, but it’s still there!!

[Accuray]

Good stuff Roughenough,

Fearing that the WAS will assume you've given up is a frequent issue. PARTICULARLY if one of their complaints was that you didn't spend enough time with them. It feels like you should 180 that and start trying to spend more time with them NOW. But that doesn't work. It's all pursuit and pursuit will NOT bring your W back.

If you've told your W that you want to save the marriage, and she's not deaf, she heard you, and you don't need to keep proving it over and over again. That's a hard message to accept for all of us, but it's true. They will be MORE interested in you the less you appear to be interested in them.

If your W is making overtures, however, you don't want to discourage her. If she's reaching out, don't shut her down. The general rule I like to follow is "don't escalate". If she wants to make small talk, make small talk, but DON'T start relationship talk. If she hugs you, hug her back, but don't kiss her or say "I love you". If she says "I love you", say "I love you" back, but don't add anything about what you want.

All you can do is mirror, but you can't kick it up a notch. Kicking it up will scare them away.

Another thing to be aware of as you go through this -- the WAS will typically run "hot and cold". When I was going through it, my W was telling me that it felt bad to be around me, that when I hugged her it felt wrong, etc. etc. At one point, we went to dinner with some friends and rode in their car. The whole way there she was holding my hand, and continued to do so at dinner. My friends said they felt like they were on a date with a couple newlyweds. When we got home, she wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night and slept on the couch. When that happens to you, it can be extremely confusing.

Here's what's going on -- if you're DB'ing really well, the WAS will "try on" being nice to you. They'll see how it feels. At some point, they'll catch themselves and will fear that they're giving you the wrong message, that everything is now "OK", and they'll quickly retreat without explanation.

When this starts happening, it's a good sign, don't get angry about it. Know that it happens and what it means, and be patient. As long as you don't shine a spotlight on it, they're likely to do it again. Comment on it and it might be a long wait.

It's hard -- keep at it. You can turn it around. Focus on your 180's and earning your bonuses. If you determine you can't earn your bonuses, start looking for another job.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Thanks Accuray!

Your post is well articulated and it makes sense. I will be reading it several times. (I want to make sure it sinks in). Even though it makes sense, it just seems like suck a F’ed up game! Even though the W isn’t consciously trying to make it one. She’s probably just confused.

Right now, the W and I have zero affection, nothing. I will not push any affection until she comes around (if at all). If she does start coming around, I will never kick it up a notch, as you said, just mirror.

I really like some of your comments about what she might do. That’s extremely helpful because it will prepare me for the proper way to respond to some things that could come up. It will prepare me for a proper response rather than being put on the spot and doing the wrong thing.

[roughenough]

I was hanging out with one of my friends last night. He does a good job trying to help keep me in check, just like all of you do. I was telling him how odd it was being single and he quickly reminded me that I am not single, I am still married! That was a good gut check. Him and his wife went on to tell me what a good dad I am, it kills me as I write this, just so so so hard!!

My friend always saw me spend a lot of time with my kids. My reply was that it’s a lot different being a part time dad. He reminded me that I am a full time dad. He said the part time dads are the ones that don’t help provide financial support or only see their kids when they HAVE TO. (My W is very flexible on when I can see the kids) I think my friend did a fantastic job reminding me of a couple very important points.

Another point, I was telling my friend about a interaction I had with my son the other day. From time to time I ask my son how’s he’s feeling about all of this. My son asked me why mom was doing this to us? My response was mom didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s nobody’s fault. My friend told me that when I say it’s nobody’s fault my son might get more confused, maybe wondering if in fact it’s his fault. My friend said a better response might be something along the lines of mommy and daddy are having problems right now. And leave it at that. That’s the truth anyway, right? He’s 8 and he’s really good at picking up on things.

Once again, thank you for reading my thread and providing input. I always appreciate all of your opinions. Even though I’ve never met any of you personally, we are all going through one of, if not the most difficult times in our lives. We all care about our marriage so much and most of us here seem to have some common goals. We are all looking to better ourselves, our lives, our marriages and our families.

I truly hope all of you have a successful journey reaching your goals and are able to find helpful solutions along the way. All of us can have happy, fulfilling lives. If there’s new people reading this, I truly feel you’ve came to the right spot. I am blessed to have found this site and the amazing people on it. To the more senior people here. Your time, knowledge and effort to help others is an amazing and selfless act that I will always be thankful for. Love to all!

Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[roughenough]

So, I have a WAS. Who knows, maybe that’s making me start to have a MLC. Anyways, I’ve never had a tattoo and my first one is on its way! It’s going to be a simple tattoo of my kids initials, I am really excited.

[roughenough]

Ok, I am now starting to understand why some of the veterans on the board emphasize the need to have patients. I know it’s only been about 2 months that we’ve been separated but it feels like it’s been forever.

My son called me yesterday and I told him to hold on just a second because I was in the middle of something when he called. I came back to the phone literally 15 seconds later and he said, “what were you doing” (in other words, what was I doing while I briefly put him on hold). I know that isn’t the type of thing my son would ask. I told him I was juggling a couple things and then I asked him, why do you ask ?” Then I tried talking and I didn’t hear anything on the other end, he came back to the phone and he said he had me on mute.

It was quite obvious my W had suspicions to what I was up to (which was nothing). It really frustrates me that she would coach our S to use mute so W could tell him certain questions to ask me. My S is already having a difficult time with this. He doesn’t need these type of things going on. It’s also quite telling in the sense that my W is showing signs of possible jealously and insecurities. (It’s just messed up because she’s the WAS)

I don’t want this to be a consistent pattern. I just don’t know if I should let it go and forget about the incident or voice my concerns to her about it?

[Accuray]

You are a parent first and an LBS second -- do what is best for your kids. One suggestion would be for you and W to meet with a family therapist, discuss the situation, and get some tips on the best way to handle it for your kids. That way it's an independent authority, not you condemning W for her actions.

Accuray

[roughenough]

You are a parent first and an LBS second -- do what is best for your kids. Accuray

[roughenough]

Absolutely, good reminder and well said Accuray! So my 20 year reunion is coming up next month. I really want my W to go with me however I don’t have any expectations. I believe I utilized Accurays earlier advise which was I simply told W “ I am buying my ticket to my reunion tomorrow”. I didn’t ask her if she wanted to come but hopefully she knows she could ask. Since I said I am buying the ticket tomorrow, there’s still a day for her to make the decision but I am not holding my breath. I feel confident she’s a bit jealous that I am going because she knows there’s singles there however my intentions aren’t to make her jealous.

I took S to his baseball ceremony last night, he’s 8 and had a undefeated season! I am so proud of him and the team. After baseball I did the drop off and asked W how she was doing. She complained about not having any privacy in her new apartment. There’s tons of kids in the complex and it’s quite noisy and the patio’s highly exposed. We are also accustom to living in a home with privacy for the last decade. It’s interesting because I have always had a upbeat, happy go lucky attitude and W always complains about EVERYTHING. I know I might be contradicting myself with the following statement. I know I have my vises and I know I have my 180’s to work (which are important) however I feel no matter how many improvements I make, my W will always be complaining about so many things. I need to remind myself that improvements need to be for myself. Things are never good enough for W, she can never be happy with what she has. There’s probably a reason she’s on meds for depression, sleeping and anxiety. While I love and miss her very much I don’t miss her constant complaining. I’ve just always tried to have this mindset that I need to make the most out of each day, life’s too short. Have goals, strive to be better but at the same time be happy with what you have.
I think it’s important for having goals however I feel if she reached all of her goals, she would still be complaining. Go figure, W is almost a spitting image of her mom.

I continue to pray for my W, my family and our marriage. Over the last year I lost my father and I’ve also been going through this separation. Both these difficult situations have allowed me to have a closer relationship with the Lord.

I know a lot of my posts are a bit lengthy however it’s just how I work. So many of you are also in touch sitch’s so I really enjoy expressing myself on this board. As always, I appreciate you reading my sitch and I value all and any input. Love to all.


Me(M):37
W:42
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4 S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson