oh Cadet what was that book you'd suggested on pursuit and distance? I think it goes hand in hand with co-dependency and learning not to pursue or withhold out of anger.
Others have suggested The Solo Partner?
Yes google the book and MLC and you will get a review of the book.
About two weeks agao I had my coaching session with Cheryl and had that day where I was "done with thinking about him"
Since then I have been out with friends, gone away to visit friends, purchased some new clothes, read a few books that weren't self help books, have things going on, And I haven't been over thinking my interactions with him.
so it was just a reminder that for all my "over thinking" about what will get me the best response, I always get the best response when I don't think about the response at all. Does that make sense?
Lately if I'm really confused (like when I thought he'd gone through things and left them strewn about) I wait, ask you guys, etc.
I think like the pursuit/chaser thing he senses that I'm not needy and desperate and wanting him back on any terms. He senses that I'm not that fussed.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt, this changes nothing. I still think he's irresponsible, imature, dependent, etc. I had a good convo just like we did on the phone last week and that's all there is.
I think like the pursuit/chaser thing he senses that I'm not needy and desperate and wanting him back on any terms. He senses that I'm not that fussed.
well sallie -there ya go!! make sure you leave those curtains open more!!
i laughed when i read that post. the energy was delightful.
I think we should all aim for feeling delightful in some way or the other each and everyday - and if some of those moments are shared with our WAS's then we score.
part of me is thinking lately though - just sort of flashes in my mind - this pursuer /distancer dynamic - how does one use it in a healthy functional way.
maybe a good topic for a discussion around here...
i say - just aim for those light-hearted interactions all the time - because i tell you , they have to walk away with a slightly warm feeling inside, no matter how much they fight it.
goof balls - every last one of them, if you ask me!! (the WAS's, that is!)
and i am so calling you Sallie from now on GRIN!!
((( ))) zig
ps. just keep doing what you are doing
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
HA it was just a phrase and now I have a new name? I should have gone for something empowering sounding Zena!
Quote:
this pursuer /distancer dynamic - how does one use it in a healthy functional way.
I am going to read all that stuff to find out I think! Because I think that's a sticking point for me. So much of my previous dating/relationship behaviour was based on manipulation and game playing and I don't want to be that person ever again.
What are great morning you had, and walking away feeling confident and in control.
I get what you mean about expectations being the downfall...I have been known to look down that tunnel a few ( thousand) times myself.
You have piqued my interest in the pursuit/ distance dynamic.. I think I might start looking at it too.
Have a great day Brit aka sallie ( aka zena while kicking butt!!!!!)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Basically it's how when you don't pursue they do..it's the age old don't chase boys and they'll chase you. As soon as they sense they don't "have you" they try to win you back. However some of ppl are manipulative and only give you enough to get you back into them then distance again and you end up hurt
