WHG: And so we file...

[labug]

But you are catching yourself now and pulling back. That's growth.

And your W needs the growth, too. She might not realize it but she does. I think the fact that she hasn't filed and is not in another Relationship is very telling. I'm not saying I think it means she wants to R but that she needs to get her legs under her before she takes the next step.

[oldtimer]

WHG,

If you are trying to detach and trying to stop parenting, then why are you still judging W's actions and trying to shape them?

W asked if the babysitter could bring the kids to your house. A simple, "no, that doesn't work for me" response is all that is required, to her and INTERNALLY.

Instead, you judge her parenting skills, consider how best to get her to grow up and deal with the babysitter, etc, etc, etc.

Guess what: this is no longer about stuff that happened between you many months/years ago in your M. It is only about the present.

BTW, why are you paying for babysitters on W's time? Is this something over and above child support? You don't get to choose to do this and then resent that it isn't being implemented how you want. Don't give gifts that you want to control. They aren't nice.

[figgeroni]

I was going to ask that question too...why are you paying for a sitter on wife's time???

[workinghardguy]

We pay the babysitter a flat rate and split it evenly. Whether she works one day or four days we pay her the same rate. Since W and I both have varying work schedules we use the babysitter in varying amounts. Some weeks W uses her a lot, some weeks I do. Some weeks we both do.

And since we have 50/50 custody summer child care is a shared cost and it's legally a shared cost in my state. By statute child support specifically excludes child care expenses. So child care expenses are to be split 50/50 above and beyond child support amounts.

[workinghardguy]

Finally back again... Spent 11 days helping run a youth camp for our volunteer group. While the camp is always a stressful experience, it was a welcome break. The event is all-consuming for the most part so really that's where your focus ends up being.

Didn't have any connection with W during that time except for two text messages about kid stuff. Did get one message from her asking how it was with the heat. I just gave her a three word answer, "doing fine, thx" though in reality it was freaking miserable

Been able to keep the distance much more. It was really hard coming home though. First time I've been away for a long time and come home to an empty house since W moved out and I was gone for that weekend. I think coming back brought back all those emotions.

Missed the kids a ton. Thankfully it was my weekend with my S so I got to hang out with him. We both needed that.

I'll admit it's hard to keep out hope. It's been five months almost since she moved out. That's still not all that long, but it's hard to keep hope alive. And I don't even know that "hope" is the right term. I don't think it is... it's like keeping a door open and wondering when you close it. I don't know, just rambling I guess.

Nothing really has changed in my sitch. We still get along fine. Still haven't filed any paperwork. Perhaps the only thing is yesterday she stopped by and was in discomfort. Her back was screwed up. She asked if I'd be willing to try and help her fix it which involved giving her a giant bear hug a few times. While incredibly minor it marks the first time she's let me touch her in five months in any fashion. The last time I offered to do that (months ago) she said no and her non-verbals made it seem like I offered her a lunch of raw sewage.

I've curtailed my GAL a little as it was getting crazy, and the prep for the summer camp was all-consuming for the two weeks leading up to it.

Still wish I saw SD and SS more. But W has been good. I get them overnight when I ask and I have my Wednesdays with them. I'll miss those when school starts.

Sunday my S asked me about the D. He's six. He asked why. I gave him the standard line of "sometime people think doing something will make them happy." His reply was "well, mommy isn't any happier now than she was here so I just don't understand her." I love kids.

[sayitaintso]

I'll admit it's hard to keep out hope. It's been five months almost since she moved out. That's still not all that long, but it's hard to keep hope alive. And I don't even know that "hope" is the right term. I don't think it is... it's like keeping a door open and wondering when you close it. I don't know, just rambling I guess.

I get that feeling ^^^

[labug]

^^me, too!

I think that's what happens when we do the work and detach and get right with ourselves.

[jbnati]

^^^ Yeah I think I know what you mean.

Sunday my S asked me about the D. He's six. He asked why. I gave him the standard line of "sometime people think doing something will make them happy." His reply was "well, mommy isn't any happier now than she was here so I just don't understand her." I love kids.

Yep. They tell it like it is sometimes, don't they?

[workinghardguy]

I'm seriously starting to consider filing for D... any advice? Does filing for D really change anything? This limbo is just adding stress that I really don't need.

It seems clear at this point that she's going to do her own thing. That she's not coming back, or at least not any time soon. She's out dating again and I feel a bit like an idiot sitting here the estranged husband holding the candle in the dark.

But then part of me wonders if this feeling is just emotional. Sort of... fine, you really want to be on your own, then here you go.

Wrapped up in this too is a plea from son a few weeks back. He asked if the divorce had happened yet. I told him no. I told him that mom and dad haven't asked to see the judge.

And then he proceeded to beg me to never ask to see the judge. That if mommy asked to see the judge he understood, but just don't ask to see the judge. I didn't promise him anything.

My stance to date has been that I don't want the divorce and won't pay for it. Other than that I haven't stood in the way. The papers are filled out and the details negotiated. She just hasn't pulled the trigger.

I still don't want the divorce. I still want my family back. At the same time there doesn't seem to parity here that she is going to go do her thing, married or not, while I try to keep standing. I realize she does not see herself as married... unfortunately I still see me as married because I am.

But I feel like that is petty. Like it is below me to feel this tit-for-tat type feeling.

I don't know why she hasn't filed. I don't believe that filing will "wake her up". I feel like filing betrays my son's trust. At the same time grown-ups have to make grown-up decisions that can't always square with the world of a six year old.

Lastly I'd love to not give up half of my retirement. I'd really prefer to not bestow on her a cash windfall. The longer divorce holds off the longer before that day comes.

In any event I'd like to have a married status through the end of the year for tax purposes. However a Sept 1 filing date would ensure that because of how my state's laws work.

Any advice or thoughts? I'm really torn and sort of a mess this morning over this.

I guess a really shorter way of putting this would be to say that I feel like I'm done. Just tired, done, and want an end to this part.

[scaredsilly]

About the retirement: if you are making monthly contributions, the longer you're married, the bigger her share will be.