WHG: And so we file...

[~ kd ~]

I get that, WHG...

My W has asked me to be "flexible" with the kids, too. And then she gets her dad to watch them. Or the neighbor... And it seems that when she's out of options, she comes to me...

And I think... I'm their dad... they're my kids... send them to me when you need to... I would LOVE to have them, I don't care the reason...

I thought about reasons, like you have...

I decided that the reason doesn't matter, for me...

[workinghardguy]

I think, for me at least, the difference in this one situation is that she can have the kids, is supposed to, but just doesn't want to "parent-up".

For example, during our marriage any time there was a problem with a babysitter it became my problem. Especially during summer. If the babysitter left the house messy, I had to counsel her on it. If she let the kids be couch potatoes, I had to counsel her on it. One time where a babysitter was, for some reason I'll never understand, lighting matches just to watch them burn I was the one who had to terminate her services. Mind you I had to do that over the phone from Atlanta because my W refused to do it.

She hates conflict and hates standing up to people. Not that I love it but I'm an executive by trade and that's part of life.

So in this case she has hired help in the house. Help that I am paying half of by the way. All she would need to do is sit the babysitter down and say "I need to be left alone. Please keep the kids downstairs and engaged. Here are solutions for keeping them engaged. If all else fails take them to the pool, the park, for a walk, downtown, or whatever."

But she refuses to do that because she doesn't like the conflict. Instead she keeps running downstairs to set up the crafts, takes them to the park with the sitter, etc...

When something outside of her control comes up or even if she just wants a break we have an agreement that we check with each other first. Because she works the weekends when she doesn't have the kids usually she can't, but usually I can since I don't work weekends. Same with weekdays and weeknights.

But to me this was really more of her wanting me to accommodate her unwillingness to handle a situation in an adult manner. To fall back on how things have always been... she's uncomfortable with a problem, then the solution is to have me solve it for her.

But she doesn't want a caretaker, so she says, and I've realized (and still working on) that caretaking isn't a healthy relationship base.

[labug]

She doesn't want to do the schoolwork, this is a convenient excuse and she cam blame others and continue to be the victim and stir you up.

[Ctflor]

I will say one thing, and that is, online coursework is very hard. I think they are more stressful and time consuming than brick and mortar classes. The work load is different, and it is very challenging sometimes. I know that I was caught off guard by how difficult it can get. I nearly dropped out at one point but I managed to keep going. I didn't have any help with my daughter for the first few months because my h was going through all of his stuff. I had to get real creative and work a lot of late nights.

[Ctflor]

One of the problems in my M was that my H was starting to feel like he was my caretaker. My MS had really taken a toll on me, and I stopped doing many things in my life, even on days where i felt good enough to do them. I kind of gave up ..... and let him handle many things that I probably could have done myself.

My H shared with me that after feeling this way for some time, he stopped having romantic feelings, or sexual feelings. He didn't see me as his partner sometimes, but a woman he is taking care of. It was not my disease that caused the problem, but my reaction to my disease and my giving up and letting him carry most of the burdens.

It really got to a point where he would jump in and do things before I would even ask him to. Sound familiar, WHG? And although he loves me, he got tired of it. He was seeking a partner that could stand on her own feet sometimes. It came to a point where I relied upon him totally.

When H was ready to walk out, and he told me how he just felt like a caretaker, it really struck me then and I realized that over the years things had changed a lot.

When I decided to empower myself and stop being dependent, he took notice that I was still that strong independent woman he fell in love with.

I can't say I ever got angry with my H when he wouldn't do something for me, our situation was a little different, but I do understand as a woman how I became dependent on him.

With my first M, I had the experience of being a single mother and it was very hard. By the time I got to my 2nd M, I enjoyed having a husband who was so willing to do so much for me, but allowing that behavior to go on for so long was unhealthy for both of us.

I hope this made sense!

[Ctflor]

But she doesn't want a caretaker, so she says, and I've realized (and still working on) that caretaking isn't a healthy relationship base.

It's hard to describe it but I think when one sees their partner as just their caretaker, the romance, the challenge, and the feeling of having an equal partner changes the dynamics. It gets old and boring in many ways, yet there's this feeling that we can't leave our partner to struggle and do things for themselves. My H told me this in counseling, that he felt extremely guilty for wanting to walk away because he didn't know how I would manage. I showed him how I could manage ..... and it was that change that brought him back around.

Do you see your W as your equal partner, as someone you feel passion and romance for, or just someone you have to take care of because she'll sink if you don't?

[workinghardguy]

Well right now I don't see her as an equal partner or any type of partner, because she's not my partner.

If we were to recon that would be the challenge. To pull myself back, set boundaries, and say I'm your partner not your dad, caretaker, big brother, etc... And she would need to work on not pulling the triggers she knows she can pull to get me to caretake such as guilt, withholding sex, anger, outbursts, and targeting the kids.

Where I still struggle in pulling myself back from caretaking is the concern that she will sink if I don't help, and that if she sinks she takes the kids down the hole with her. And while I do struggle internally I think I've done fairly well in not caretaking. Her money problems, family problems, etc... are not my issue.

But it's sooo easy... just a few days ago I picked up the kids. When I walked in the living room I found her angry because her new couch was broken. She asked me ideas on how to fix it. I told her that from where the break was I couldn't see a lasting fix. Then she slid on over to having a guy friend of her's come over to try and fix it. Of course that triggered some weird jealousy thing and I pointed out it has to be covered under warranty. Dealing with corporate BS is not her strong point so I started down the path of helping her find the warranty, explaining it... but I pulled back. And when I say "down the path" that was a path in my head, not something I actually did.

Instead it was simply, "hey... that should still be under warranty. If I was you I'd be calling them first". And then left.

But it is sooo easy.

[~ kd ~]

too by far alert!

she would need to work on not pulling the triggers she knows she can pull to get me to caretake such as guilt, withholding sex, anger, outbursts, and targeting the kids.

Who controls whether the trigger is locked?

[workinghardguy]

Oh I don't disagree KD. That's the work I'm doing now. She still uses these behaviors to try and get me to do things for her. And I don't know that she's even fully conscious of them. Though near the end during one conversation she admitted to knowing that she uses these to manipulate people, particularly me.

So yes, I play a role too. But having to walk around constantly on defense against having someone manipulate you through your triggers is no way to go through life.

[~ kd ~]

I agree, WHG. When we know about our triggers, they can get real raw until we get them in check.

Distance and GAL?

It may help you detach so the triggers can be locked.