I've actually been a complete and utter SOB over the past two years - no excuses. Apparently I used to return home, park the motorcycle, walk in with stooped shoulders, peck the wife on the cheek, ignore others who were there at the time
I've been thinking long and hard about this bit and I'd like to ask for opinions:
If you returned home from a long day at work and every day saw Pa's car parked outside (instant stress increase just seeing that!) with him inside with W working like crazy - every night how would you eventually (I say eventually because it didn't start that way) feel?
Left out? Ignored? Second rate? P'd off?
Am I trying to justify my bad manners? or should I have said something - with the likelihood I'd upset someone at the time
Bring on the 2 x 4's folks - I can take anything at the moment (except e-mails for the L)
i think i would get tired of it. your feelings are legitimate. however, in marriages that get to this point, i think it's not our feelings that were the problem but how we reacted to them.
resentment kills relationships. good communication and healthy boundaries nurture relationships.
have you thought about your reactions and how you might have reacted better to that situation? and how you could communicate your FEELINGS without blaming or accusing?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hi scaredsilly - the pa-in-the-house was a difficult situation but one that couldn't be avoided. He and my W ran the fruit export company from home. Neither seemed to have an off switch
My feelings? Option 5 - W was married to work (no longer - she's sad that she's been a long term unemployed) - I should have learned to twiddle my thumbs?
How to communicate my feelings? That's very difficult for me to think of a way that doesn't smack of "look at me" at the moment. It's something I'll think about.
Thanks for the reply. Now just got to figure out how to delay this L stuff just to get breathing space. HA! W would say "more time?" to that line.
how you could communicate your FEELINGS without blaming or accusing?
Been thinking about your question (homework?) and it's a doozy because I just don't like conflict. I'd be worried that the other person would react defensively or worse my W would say something back to me in defence of her Pa being there. How to make a bad sitch worse
I know it's not healthy to keep negative feelings bottled up inside.
In this situation I should have brought the subject up with my W after Pa had left and asked if there could be some agreed "end-to-the-working-day" point instead of letting it go on and on and on ....
hey mac- i did notice that, and for a moment was like"is he telling me to piss off and stop hassling", but then i decided it was a typo.
i'm not so sensitive any more (smile). even if you meant it, i would be okay with it.
and after reading your following posts - i sort of laughed - there goes mac making an attempt at expressing his feelings and not getting any negative feedback like he assumed he would.
as ss said (and you put it really well, ss - resentment kills relationships. but what's even worse, because it causes the resentment is this scenario where people don't tell each other how they really feel because of their own inability to express themselves, and put the reason for doing it on the other person saying that they are afraid of the other persons' reaction.
that's what h (and I ) are discovering when we talk. it's beside the point that it's true - but it's no way to go about things .
hey KD - could you step in and talk about the double bind thing in this context please?
glad that you are starting to think about how to do things differently - it's the first step
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
W just sms'd after I get the bad news that salary is stuck in electronic limbo! One more sleep and it'll be here.
And after that - guess what (it never rains when it pours)
1. W sms's "I have R100 (approx $15) in pocket. Do you need anything?"
2. Mutual friend does same and is supplying yummiest Pitza and a pack of camels while the twosome (as W and mutual will be called from this point) go out to friends for dinner and watch the football.
And another sms from W - "that's really nice of her. Go Italy. I just hope my team wins. Will be home in 1 hour. Might just have to sleep over at x and x. Soccer only starts at 8:45.
Followed by some surprisingly nice sms banter without any snideness from W!
here's a quick tip - and it took me TEN frisking months to get it.
stop analyzing everything she says and does. it will drive you crazy!!
just take it at face value - and start doing it now. if a friendly neighbor said that to you - what would your reaction be? have that reaction
it's called indifference, apathy - the first steps to detaching.
she needs to feel your detachment - so the sooner you start the faster she'll feel it. get goal oriented and and use those goals to get you what you want.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
