I'm a new person

[25yearsmlc]

just my .02 but I think many times the WAS wants to come home

but does NOT b/c he/she fears 2 things:

1) that the LBSer won't really forgive them. That would mean, at a minimum, letting go of the A. You cannot bring it up when you get upset or throw it in his face in fights, or hang it over his head forever. It does not "entitle" you to get your way on all issues if you two reconcile

(and believe me, I felt I DESERVED to get my way b/c of what I'd been through...but that was in the past and we all have to live in the present or we'll be trapped and dragged down by the slights and hurts we nurture from the past).

So Lose the scorecard and move forward...and fyi, HE has his own scorecard and things don't measure up the same as yours. IOW he has some hurt you don't know about that you did to him...it goes both ways and simply put, scorecards don't belong in marriages.

Some people cannot do the whole "LET IT GO & forgive" thing...they just can't or won't. I don't judge that; I say FIGURE it out. It's a waste of everyone's time to stay married AND stay miserable...

If you can't/won't let it go, it'll pollute your marriage forever and the kids will grow up in a home of seething resentment, unspoken words and unexpressed love. Not a legacy you want to pass on...

OR you can give them a legacy of forgiveness, committment and redemption.

I say this as one who did NOT see forgiveness growing up, and had to learn it. It's a learned skill....


2) the WAS fears that the changes the LBSer is making, like not being so angry or emotional, for example, are NOT real or permanent. They fear that the old marriage will return, and that old marriage is what they left.


So how are YOU showing him that

marriage to you can be better/different than before?

If you are not showing him that, then why would he come back?

I'm not saying he doesn't have to regain your trust.

But that issue is a lot farther away than the ones I mention above, so first things first.

Lose the scorecard and figure out YOUR work.

And how are your GAL things going, other than meetings?

Are you becoming the best YOU that you can be?

Becoming a woman only a fool would leave---is the best insurance against this happening again...