Needing some guidance... 4

[jks]

To be honest, I don't think my H would ever want to go out with me while he's still dating/sleeping with OW. I actually made that very clear to him when I first found out about the PA that I wouldn't do anything with him whether it was a family thing or just a couples thing until he had completely ended things with her. He told me, "fair enough."

Also, a month ago when he was telling me how he was trying to find the best time to end things with OW, he told me that he didn't think he could fully commit to me until that relationship has ended. So, I think H and I both get what needs to happen as far as that goes.

But, yes, I do need to really figure out what it is that I specifically want to see in him in order for this R to work for ME. I picked up my kids from him yesterday and my feelings around him had significantly changed. Meaning, I wasn't as confident about the way things were going. The pit in my stomach returned and I had some major anxiety. I kept thinking how insecure I feel around him right now because he's so obviously torn.

Why is he torn? Because he found someone that he truly enjoys being with. He feels ashamed about her because of the way they got together but if all of that was pushed aside or if they were given more time to let it ride out, maybe H would really be happy going that route. He's still so worried that he'll never feel the same about me that he did so long ago. I never mentioned this before, but the night we had our appt, H did say that sometimes he just wishes he could go back 5 years. FIVE YEARS!!! That threw me back for a minute when he said it because I had no idea he was really that unhappy for that long!

Yesterday I was starting to feel his uncertainty and I don't know that it was really anything he did, it was just the reality of it all. The anxiety of losing him was starting to set in all over again and I left his house feeling like I was at square one AGAIN.

The good thing is that I recover more quickly now. And I did not try to contact him to talk about it, thank heavens!! I come here and I read my past posts and reflect back on the turn of events and just try to be ok. No matter what. I'm ok. I don't want to lose him but I want him to want it just as much as I do.

When I made the joke the other day about how I'm the best W in the world... (which obviously, I'm not) but I really do think that H is quite lucky in the fact that I have stood by his side throughout this disaster. It is not easy to see the good in someone that is treating you like this on a regular basis. Yet, I choose to take the higher ground.

I will not be oblivious, but I will be faithful until my heart tells me I am done. I write this now, because in a couple of weeks I may feel differently... LOL! I was talking with a friend today and I told her, the reality of it is, this really could take another three months. Do I have it in me to endure that long? Wow, who knows. But then again, probably. What's another three months, right? (sigh)

25, you asked me about GAL activities... I have my kids quite a bit so I basically make plans to do things everyday with them. And I very often will call my friends with kids to have playdates with us. The days that I don't have my kids, I'm working on my photography. I'm building a new website with the help of a friend and I'm trying to get that together so I can get it launched.

I do also make it a point to work out as much as I can because I need the interaction with new people (I almost always go to the classes the gym offers) and I love the way it makes me feel. If you have other suggestions of things you think I should try... I'm game to hear them.

Also, you asked if H helped out around the house... um, the answer is a big fat YES. He did everything. He is very much like his mom. He just wants it to get done, so he just does it... which is why I say he enabled me.

You also asked me what it was that H and I fought about on a daily basis, I'm guessing you meant when we were living together?? I wouldn't ever say that we fought a lot. In fact, we both agree that we didn't really fight a lot at all. (H did mention at one point a couple months ago that the reason for that was because of him. Because he would just accept my terrible behavior and not really say anything. Blows my mind how people can live that way.) So I would just say that we didn't really have fun together. We didn't go out together and when we did it was usually the same old dinner and a movie. I was feeling the distance with him just as much.

For example, we went to H's aunt's cabin two years ago and they had jet skis there. Since H and I don't really do anything recreational together (I am mostly to blame for this) there was a point where H and I decided to ride the jet ski together and I drove so he was sitting behind me. It felt weird. Usually you would be totally comfortable with that type of thing with your H but it just made me realize how our connection was diminishing. I wanted it to be fun and I wanted to feel that attraction to him but all I felt was emptiness.

Looking back, though, I don't think I took it as a huge warning sign... but I should have. And the reason I say that we didn't do anything recreational together is because H would ask me and I would quickly decline because I've always felt like it just wasn't my thing. For instance, he's a runner. I have no endurance when it comes to running and never have. I tried running with him long ago and he left me in the dust and I lasted about 5 min. How fun is that? So I never wanted to do it again with him.

Now I'm realizing that I don't necessarily need to run in order to go out and do something active with him. This last winter I tried to get us both ski passes so that we could go once a week with each other because I do actually really enjoy skiing and he LOVES snowboarding... so what better way for us to try to reconnect. But time and time again our money situation just couldn't make that happen. He was surprisingly very much on board with it though.

Which brings me to another point... our money issues. (gosh, our issues don't ever end, do they??) We never have any money!! So to plan any kind of vacation or any type of getaway was always a huge stressor for us because we just couldn't afford it. Even now with both of us living with our parents and not having a mortgage payment, we are still broke. It's weird. We're just awful at managing our money, I guess.

We need to get professional help in this area... and I am constantly on the fence of whether I should get a job or not. I don't necessarily want to put my kids in daycare (way too expensive for three little kids and totally complicated when the school year starts). And I could see myself being more willing to get a job if H and I lived together again because we could make it work where I would try to work while he's home during the days. But trying to do all of that while being separated and finagling the kids back and forth, back and forth on a daily basis is just too much for me.

If I knew we were over and I would have to deal with him that often... I would be miserable.