heck no - i'm putting git on my list for joann. GRIN!
actually i have to admit that i can't remember if he's said it before or not. but i am very certain that he was always saying "your house" because my heart would squeeze every time.
have to wonder - i just told him yesterday that he didn't need to knock when he came in (i never asked him to, he started doing it on his own), that it's always bothered me. he joked that i better knock when i came over to his house - and i said definitely i will and he said - oh i was kidding - you don't have to do that
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig I want to see that cake!!!! It sounds amazing!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Be the change you want to see in others without expectation.
from AJM, copied here so i can find it more easily.
wise words for one who needs to hear them.
especially tonight. had a slightly raw day. ended with s and i not doing so well together. i can see where i need to be more sensitive to him. i was trying to compliment him on his singing (but had a hidden agenda) and landed up with him withdrawing and then i saw the pattern - and then i argued a bit with him - and oh [censored], sometimes this is just so damn hard!!
i left it unresolved - it's an old pattern and it comes up late when he and i are both really tired and i get pulled in - and all i can think is gosh this is just like dealing with h - can't find the solution in the moment, and then i get discouraged. and this has been there for years, not just since the separation.
maybe i shall put it on my goal list to work towards. i've got to find how to change this. it actually hasn't happened for a long while, so i thought we were past it. and here it popped up tonight, and i see that i have to work on this within myself.
actually what it is making me realize is that, i'll know something that is really upsetting h or s, but i absolutely cannot refer to it, directly or indirectly. s, so much does not want to acknowledge his feelings about something that has made him feel bad that he gets really resistant and next thing he's accusing me of something and really starting to stonewall. i try to push through as gently as i can- yes i know - not the right thing to do - sigh. and next thing we are in a mess and i can't see our way out of it., so then i give up
well, at least i am calm, and feel that if i just focus on finding the solution there will be one available. before i'd just feel sort of helpless and hopeless. this is one of my big challenges within my family - finding a way to give them space, but balancing that with nurturing s and helping him to find his way through to being more expressive. i think my approach is over direct and too much. need to find a way in throug the back door
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
wondering if he needs some distance from the situation - either time and/or emotional distance (for example, discussing something similar that a friend of his might feel.)
zig, i feel that you have grown so much in openness and confidence...love it.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
can't find the solution in the moment, and then i get discouraged.
unless it's life threatening, 48 hour rule.
Also, not all problems are looking for solutions. Using the 48 hour rule, validate first, then step away and before attempting to work out a solution, consider if the problem was asking you for the solution.
Sometimes the solution is for you to validate and allow the problem to solve itself.
need grace thanks for reminding me that often just the awareness leads to some sort of new insight.
KD , in terms of some problems not needing solutions - well, this one does and maybe it's not so much a solution as doing something different. i need to do something different here. i'm the parent and he's the child and i feel that it is up to me to deflect going down the path of that old pattern.
i think that the reason it hasn't been coming up is because i have been doing it differently, and that tonight i was raw and so got caught off guard. which of course is telling, that this one is still a change that hasn't become solid within me and i have to work at it some more and find out what's going on within me that causes me to react that way.
i'm having trouble validating him during these times, which of course makes it worse.
to be really honest - i guess i still tend to get defensive when i feel that i am not listened to - the same pattern with h, and so this has come up at an opportune time for me to work on it and be more aware.
onward and upward - one more little step to take...
thanks both of you
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
