My new piecing thread!

[Accuray]

Captain! So nice to hear from you. Someone was thanking me for help on their thread and I called out how helpful you were to me when I needed it most -- thanks again for that!

Anyway, my sense is from what I've read (before stuff disappeared) was that you were/are making progress.

I think I continue to make progress on me. Progress on the marriage has either stalled, or is moving too slowly to be perceptible. I'm hoping it's the latter.

A couple of points worth remembering in terms of the external appearance stuff:

First, neatness counts and the control of clutter can be helpful as long as you don't trend back towrds your natural tendencies. If this is an issue between the two of you, she'll always be on the lookout for your slipping.

Yep, I'm doing quite well on this front. In addition, I think this was a "me too" complaint -- she's also messy. In any case, I feel better for doing a better job keeping things neat.

Second, on the weight. It may not make any direct difference to her. I'm now down 70 pounds from my highest weight in late 2007 and that was after 10 years of no sex. I'm now down to 178, only 17 pounds heavier than when my wife and I met and now it has been more than 15 years without sex (and we are coming up on the 20th wedding anniversary).

Do the weight thing for you, not her. While she might appreciate it (do you become a "trophy husband?"), you should have no expectation that it will be THE THING that suddenly turns her "on." The real physical change will assist your mental well-being in addition to your physical well-being. Your self-image will take longer to change. Last year at this time when I was at ~190 lb, I had my first real realization that my body was "coming back." Of course, I saw it in my clothes and the new clothes I had to purchase. But my body image had adjusted to "fat" over the span of time before I finally started losing weight. Physically, I feel much better, my stamina is very much improved, my resting heartrate is about 52-56 beats per minute, my blood pressure, which was never classified as "high," is now down to 96/58.

Oh it's not for her, and I don't expect a change of any kind in her as a result. I'm definitely doing it for me. It's to feel better about myself, and so if this doesn't work out I come out of this in the best shape possible. You and others suggested I work from a timeline, and my timeline includes me getting to "fighting weight" as you have.

Here's a brief update for you for the next time you're drinking your coffee:

On our 15th wedding anniversary she gave me a box of chocolate, a generic card, and the ILYBINILWY speech. A couple weeks ago we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I made dinner reservations, got her a nice gift and a card. She gave me nothing. The next day she went out and bought me a card, and a week later returned the gift I gave her and said she didn't really want it. That felt good.

I read "His Needs, Her Needs" which I did think was a good book. It made me think about two things: (1) that I don't think I have it figured out yet how to make her feel loved, I don't think she's in touch with it herself, and (2) I probably need more time for her to heal, more time and consistency.

I feel very good about what I'm bringing to the table marriage-wise, I really do. I feel sad that it's not producing more joy and happiness on W's part. I'm going to keep giving it all I've got.

Accuray