So much to say, So little room

[AJM]

and I want no regrets about my actions. She expects a certain reaction from me and I will not give it to her.

Hang on to that!! You will not regret that approach later, I assure you. I did the same thing, and I am SOOOOOOO grateful for doing that.

She snaps at me when things aren't going according to her plan of an awesome future.

Still a little angry? Of course she does. One of the hallmarks of divorce is anger and selfishness. Ask any divorce attorney. In this case, your W is trying to make things look like you're friends and likely feels like you aren't playing along. Go figure. When the reality sets in that you won't be likely be friends, you'll likely see the caged animal and more of the anger. Be clear of the site when it happens is my advice. I didn't listen to that advice at first. Still have the faded scars...

I talked to him a few months back and explained some of the ways I helped facilitate the distance between his mother and I. I also explained what it was I was doing to become a better father and husband and why I was doing those things. That I liked not getting frustrated all the time and being more in touch with how and why I feel the way I do. But he's not there and it will be a long time before he gets there.

They listen. They watch. They absorb. Be careful how much you share even though it's his family as well. He's a kid and his life was just destroyed and torn apart and burned to the ground. A kid looks for two things for stability 1) his parents and 2) his home. He expects his parents to be together and his home safe and warm. You can give him some of that, but half his stability and safety was torn apart. Be mindful of that, right? I don't think I'm telling you something you don't know, but rather reiterating it.

S12 is white hot angry with his mother. Her response to every disagreement that I've personally witnessed or he's replayed for me, involves his mother getting angry with him and popping off about "never being able to please him" or "she can never make him happy" - before she storms off.

See what I mean about how I think she's projecting her feelings about me onto S12?

Perhaps. Perhaps it's just that she only has one tool in the box to deal with things. Either way, that's not good for him at this time. You'll have to be watchful and careful how you approach that in my opinion.

It's definitely harder to be that safety net she can come to talk too without being judged when she's aggrivating me, but that is "one" of my goals. To learn to listen and not judge or try to fix. I'm not closing the book on "us" so much as changing course.

Seems this could be construed as an expectation. But I admire your goal and hope that you live up to it.

What I've read of your posts, you are angry/frustrated. I think you have a lot of right to be. But I think you also have a great head on your shoulder. Your W is really missing out on someone great. Not many people can think like you are.

Understand that your W may never wake up and "get it". She's in the mode that she's hurt and it's your fault. Maybe yes, maybe no. She knows she hurt you but keeps doing it. Hmm.... Could be a while before, if, she gets that the grass isn't greener elsewhere...

When mine left on that mother's day, she didn't take much. The second time she took a lot. The kids and I had fun with it. We ate on the floor that night because she took the kitchen table. As a friend of mine who went through much worse told me, you may go bankrupt, you may lose it all. But keep your humor and keep your head up and always, always do the right thing. You'll be glad you did

As for the car and the rest? Those things will pass. They are just things that happen and will happen. But they will pass and you'll laugh about it later. I know I do and I had similar happen at the time.

Keep the focus on you and your improvements and your kids. They are watching you and will thank you one day. I had a friend who's son called him. His son was 39 years old and called to thank his dad for what he did when his mother left. His son was an absolute a** when growing up and used the divorce as an excuse. But he watched. He saw. He later appreciated it. Some get it earlier and your kids may be those types, but either way, stay the course....You're a very smart man.

Oh, T is right. Take the pictures and get in that mindset of keeping track and writing things down with dates. You hopefully won't need it. I didn't want to think I would need it, but I did. Is what it is.

AJ