New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

Good stuff Roughenough,

Fearing that the WAS will assume you've given up is a frequent issue. PARTICULARLY if one of their complaints was that you didn't spend enough time with them. It feels like you should 180 that and start trying to spend more time with them NOW. But that doesn't work. It's all pursuit and pursuit will NOT bring your W back.

If you've told your W that you want to save the marriage, and she's not deaf, she heard you, and you don't need to keep proving it over and over again. That's a hard message to accept for all of us, but it's true. They will be MORE interested in you the less you appear to be interested in them.

If your W is making overtures, however, you don't want to discourage her. If she's reaching out, don't shut her down. The general rule I like to follow is "don't escalate". If she wants to make small talk, make small talk, but DON'T start relationship talk. If she hugs you, hug her back, but don't kiss her or say "I love you". If she says "I love you", say "I love you" back, but don't add anything about what you want.

All you can do is mirror, but you can't kick it up a notch. Kicking it up will scare them away.

Another thing to be aware of as you go through this -- the WAS will typically run "hot and cold". When I was going through it, my W was telling me that it felt bad to be around me, that when I hugged her it felt wrong, etc. etc. At one point, we went to dinner with some friends and rode in their car. The whole way there she was holding my hand, and continued to do so at dinner. My friends said they felt like they were on a date with a couple newlyweds. When we got home, she wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night and slept on the couch. When that happens to you, it can be extremely confusing.

Here's what's going on -- if you're DB'ing really well, the WAS will "try on" being nice to you. They'll see how it feels. At some point, they'll catch themselves and will fear that they're giving you the wrong message, that everything is now "OK", and they'll quickly retreat without explanation.

When this starts happening, it's a good sign, don't get angry about it. Know that it happens and what it means, and be patient. As long as you don't shine a spotlight on it, they're likely to do it again. Comment on it and it might be a long wait.

It's hard -- keep at it. You can turn it around. Focus on your 180's and earning your bonuses. If you determine you can't earn your bonuses, start looking for another job.

Accuray