KML, thank you for noticing that my situation is quite unique and I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I think I give him excuses because he has PTSD but I can’t help but feel like this has something to do with it. I make sure he knows I love him, but that the current situation is very hurtful. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said depression, loss of judgement, and an escape from his own problems, and the enjoyment of the infatuated feeling. He currently sees two counselors a week for his war problems, he is scared to admit the affair to his doctors because it is against military policy and could result in a reprimand, loss of pay or even a dishonorable discharge.
Its hard for me to open up to my friends, because they all seem to want me to leave and not look back. I can’t just forget that he is my best friend, and that I am all that he has. A lot happened to him in those two years in Iraq. During the first deployment, his humvee rolled over an IED, rolled over, and caught fire. He was knocked unconscious from the blast, his friend had to kick him in the chest to get him to regain consciousness as they both pulled the other guys out of the burning vehicle. This is where his TBI came from, and his dislocated shoulder. More so than that though, are the mental issues he has to deal with, as far as not loving himself for the things he had to do. It took him four years, and this affair, for him to open up to me to tell me that he felt guilty, because he had to shoot and kill 8 people. He felt like a monster. He told me of a time when he was eating dinner and a mortar attached the base. They asked for a medic, and he ran out. He dealt with four marines, who had lossed limbs. He cries when he tells me, all he could do for one of the guys was push morphine and hold his hand while he died, he feels guilty, like he didn’t do his job well enough to save the marine. He also dealt with a marine who had lost both legs from the blast, so those images haunt him. He also had an insurgent chase him on the base, and my H was fighting him and beating him with his guy, the guy got away. This lead to when he came home the night terrors began. I woke up once and he was imaginarily clearing the room with his hands (in a fake gun position) telling me to be quiet, that they had found us. He thought the insurgent had followed him home. Luckily I have never been hurt during his dreams, but I can hear him screaming in his sleep, the mimicking sounds of a machine gun (a popping sound he makes with his lips) and sometimes moving around. Certain things trigger his PTSD, like large crowds, or the smell of burning food on a grill—reminds him of a bus of Iraqis that had caught fire, and him remembering that smell.
He returned home from those two tours, a different man. He lived with anxiety, a lack of emotional connection and a depression. This is my belief, of what led to the affair. Those first 48 hours after the affair came out, I was so scared. I removed all of the guns from our house, and had them locked in the local police arms room for safety.
I do apologize for the novel, but I love my husband with all of my heart. I know he is hurting, he is lost, and he is broken and I know I cannot fix that. I did call his psychiatrist once because I thought he may hurt himself and also explained his eratic, out of character behavior. I myself work for a place that deals with combat wounded soldiers- mainly those with amputations. I feel lucky that my husband returned home in one piece, but the one piece that the Army sent back, was a broken shell of the man I sent off to war. He is a wonderful man, with a large heart, who means the world to me. He doesn’t enjoy talking about the future, or anything seriously related to the affair. So for now, I am just showing him that no matter what I love him, and that I will not turn his back on him regardless. We do not have children, we have two dogs that we both love dearly. We bought our first home almost a year ago. We both live in the house, he is in another room—although he comes to bed at night to hold me and kiss me goodnight, he asks me to take showers with him, or when I wake up in the morning he just wants me to hold him for a while. But often times I leave him alone for hours to do his own thing. I am worried about him, because his mistress is very controlling, demanding and jealous. I can see he is struggling, and not enjoying his life. He says every time he tries to pull away, she clings even harder. I think he wants to not hurt anyone, and to be honest is too weak to fight for a life worth having. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me, and he will never be able to forgive himself for what he has done.
How am I living my life? One day at a time. When this first started, it used to be an hour at a time. I would go to work and then come home, take care of the dogs, and go to sleep. My emotions were all over the place, and uncontrollable. It was hard for him to see me cry, even over the littlest thing, because it made him feel guilty. For now, I would say we treat eachother like best friends who love eachother. He is very weird in that he tells me everything about the relationship with the mistress, and wants me to just listen because he has no one else—and sometimes I tell him I can’t today. I get criticized a lot for being there for him, but I love him with all of my heart. Its scary to think we survived two combat tours, and now this, this affair, could be the downfall of our marriage. He never talks about divorce, never blames me for the affair, or any of that. But his actions seem confusing, so all I do right now is I let him come to me. I don’t call him, or text him, or expect him for dinner. When he comes home I don’t follow him around the house, I am just there for him and he comes to me when he wants to. I don’t know what the road ahead is for us, but he says he cannot live without me and wants to work on things, but unfortunately right now he either doesn’t know how to end it, or doesn’t want to, or he is too weak to stand up for himself and get out of the situation. I appreciate the advice and finding a place I can fit in.
M-28 H-28 Married 9 ½ years Together 13 years Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. (Selwyn Hughes)
