I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this heartbreak and find yourself here but I am really pleased to 'meet' you.
I've just had a read through your threads and related to what you are going through. All of us here know what a roller-coaster this journey is so know that the board is great for support, venting emotions and asking for practical help when you cannot see the wood for the trees.
Two things really helped me when I first came here. The first was being able to talk for as long as I wanted about the subject that was taking up 99% of my thoughts with people that understood and 'got' what I was talking about and would never get sick of me. The second was not talking about it and talking about other things and forming a support group with a bunch of us here. I did this by posting to other people who I related to with either advice, when I gained more confidence, or just saying hi and supporting others.
From reading your posts it sounds like you have taken a really good look at yourself and your part in the marriage. This is really good, it opens our eyes to what we can change and improve on. Remember too that when we are at this stage of self examination you only focus on the negative things and not the positive. This guy fell in love with you so much so that he wanted to marry you. Focus on those things too. What was it when you first got together and were in that honeymoon period that was so attractive to your husband? In retrospect, what I wish I had done was to make a list of things which I needed to improve on but just as importantly make a list of what is good about you.
Something I read when I first came here was that this person I had become sine the 'bomb' was not really me. It was my reaction to a very difficult situation, and a very natural reaction - devastation. The problem is that devastation does not provoke a positive reaction in the other person it inflicts guilt and guilt is the very worst thing a WAH should feel. Feeling guilt makes them feel helpless and like they can do nothing about it (you have described that your h has expressed this a lot) and makes them not want to 'try'. Reducing guilt is one of the first steps in the path of Divorce Busting so...
Stage 1 Reducing negative feelings. What negative feelings do you think (and try and look at this from your h's point of view) your h is feeling towards you? What can you do to reduce these negative feelings?
There is lots more to say but I don't want to overwhelm you. If you want I'd be really happy to help you out if you have questions or need advice. Equally I will be not offended in the slightest if you don't click with what I have said.
I wrote this a few months ago in another thread on what I had learnt from this experience. I hope it helps.
What I learnt
- that you can't help people that don't want your help. - rejection is heartbreaking but most of the time it is more about the other person than you. - take responsibility for yourself. Look at your contributions to your marriage and learn from your mistakes. Do not blame yourself and dwell too much, forgive yourself, learn and move on. - life is for living, enjoy yourself and be present because time is too precious to waste. You won't get your children's childhoods back ( or your late 20s in my case). - life may not be what you envisioned but it has a funny way of working out. - this will take time, allow yourself time to heal from the hurt and know (I promise) that things will get better. - lastly, and most importantly take opportunities as they come along. This is time for growth, use it wisely.
Know that you will get through this whether your marriage is saved or not and it does get better but it takes time. I truly believe that DBing is the best way you will find to save a marriage on the brink and the tools I have learnt here I have taken with me and will use forever.
