alright sg (can i call you that, please), i'm ready to start - and i so much appreciate that you agree to work with me.You are welcome. My feelings don't hurt easily, so when you are ready for me to stop--just say let me know or we will talk about it. I commit that when I can get on the board a few times a week in the next 2-3 weeks, that YOU will be my FIRST STOP.
What are things you love about when you two were in love? What were you DOING together?
1. we fired ceramic wood kilns together (both ceramic artists, though i haven't worked in 6 yrs and that created a distance between us because it was the thing that we really connected on) and the connection was really intense That is a wonderful thing to do together. Why did you stop?
2.we gardened together and landscaped
3. talked about ceramics for hours
4. we helped each other in our work - whatever area the other one wasn't so strong in. really supported each other's work
i realize as i write this list, that most of what we did together involved ceramics. the things we didn't do were at the top of h's list of grievances - spend time together alone, going on dates, encourage each others hobbies etc.
in the beginning of the sitch, i suggested that we should do something fun together, just the 2 of us to find out whether we could have fun and he said -no, i don't want to find out if we have fun together . s was born so soon after we met - we had only hung out together for a few months, that we didn't really establish those kinds of things. then with a newborn, we became consumed with parenting and work and lost track completely
If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred and everything was perfect again, what would be your FIRST clue that this has occurred?
wow - that's a hard one!! i'm not even sure where to start?
the [color:#FFCC33]warmth was back in his eyes, the anxiety was gone[/color],highlighting this, because you need to pay attention to it -- when this happens you need to not discount it even if it is only for a brief time. this is what you will build on, and this is what you need to not let anyone discount as not a big enough achievement. Remember this.
the sense of him turning back to me instead of away to ow?
or do i need to think of it in terms of an action?
i'll try: that he says he would like to try to make our relationship work there are some men that never speak this way, so don't be dismayed if this never happens. Pay attention to ACTIONS from him not his words. If these words do come, they would likely be very far down the line, AFTER he's already been working with you.
because when you ask that question I feel like you are just dying to know some magic words that will make everything all right, and it won't happen like that.
no, sg - i don't think there are any magic words - i already understood very well that it was action - i think i'm well past the stage of that. thank you for clarifying....I'm glad...that will help you tremendously.
today i spent some time thinking about little goals that i could work towards, and finally realized that each one i thought of, my reaction to it was - oh he's so against that right now, that's too big of a goal. then i talked myself into a more PMA, WONDERFUL! You should teach this lesson on the board: thought stopping and decided that i could have very small goals, and even if they don't seem achievable, i could at least start there.
so here are some of them
1. h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activityexcellent...what kind of activities do they do 2. when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better [so this is more of a to do item as stated, but it's good. How would you know your H felt you were listening better? What would he do 3. h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)this is very likely a great 180 for you....but might take longer that 2-3 weeks. So break it down.
If he thought you were the opposite of helpless, in fact, incredibly empowered and strong and successful..... How would he react. What would he do. How would YOU KNOW that he was feeling that way?
4. h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and mehow would you know? would he invite himself to stay? would he accept an invitation? would he just start eating as you were eating? 5. h feels that he can be safe with the three of us together - the last 3 months it seems as if he doesn't allow that , because it feels so good and he has to fight that feeling as hard as he can what are your indicators that he feels this way 6.that i use every interaction as an opportunity for a positive interactionthis is a good idea, but 'lofty'. What kinds of interactions do you have? Long conversations? Greet him at the door? Phone conversations? Let's get specific and pick one or 2
i notice that these goals are very "h-oriented" am i along the right track? you bet you are!also i don't know if these sorts of goals are the ones i should be starting with - i think they come from a place within myself about what i miss the most in this separation
my goals for myself: 1. stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends
so what specifically would you do differently
2. add more structure to my day - so that i am really working in a focused way rather than in between spending time on the board here
My nature is to be completely unstructured. So at times I create a time-map that I have found by a professional organizer. It's basically a calendar that you put things on there that you want to commit to, and you try to follow it. Of course for me, there's the problem of actually looking at the map....but you get the drift...maybe that would help. But just pick some things that are really important to you...not the SHOULDS. pick the things that give you JOY. It will bring out your inherent attractiveness. 3. focus on myself and my own healing that is still very much in progress 4. meet new people 5. apply for some part time teaching jobs for the fall 6. start my yoga practice again which i have blown off for the last 3 weeks these are all great things sorry this was so long
hope i'm on the right track
zig
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So let me know if you're ok with that pace (~ 3x/wk -- might be more but I want to commit to something)
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
