so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

i haven't been on my thread in a while. sometimes if think i feel better reading other people's threads. it takes me away from my own troubles.

for some reason, i'm so sad today. H and i are going car shopping tomorrow. i'm meeting him at the dealership for a couple of hours during lunch time.

previous to S, i probably would have met him at his office where i used to work and know people. that has me thinking about how different my life is now.

it has also made me wonder if he has any pictures of me in his office anymore. he used to. i want to ask him but i know that's pursuing and if he says he doesn't, it will hurt. it hurts just thinking about it.

he sent me an email today with the details of his daughter's college graduation. about six weeks ago, he sent me an email that said:

"No matter what happens I wanted you to know that I would like you to be there if possible ( of course only if you do). More on that to come(just wanted to remove any doubt)."



i have not heard from his family since the bomb. i sent three communications to his daughter (22) asking her to meet with me so we could put the past behind us and move forward (we lived together for 2 years until recently and we had a very hard time). i have not received a response so it's obvious to me that she doesn't want a relationship with me.

H has not invited me to any functions with his family. i would feel so uncomfortable at this graduation.

what do i say if he asks again? i don't want to say anything that sounds like blame or resentment.

i really can't understand WHY he would even want me there?