The only way through it is to do it unfortunately.
It is normal not to want to be around her right now...
actually that is best. I said you will know what isn't working by your pain.
Pay attention to it. While it is in your head you won't be able to make meaningful strides toward your own goals of becoming the man you want to be and one your W would be a fool to leave.
And she may decide to continue being a fool. Hope? I can speak for me. It is very much linked to faith for me. It is not a plan for living your life. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Faith is the word I used for myself in this.
Faith in myself took a while to gain.
Faith in this process I had to win by being here.
Faith that no matter the outcome this path would be bring me to my goals.
Faith that whatever my W chose to do it was the best thing for her and the best thing for me. She is only trying to find the same answers as you. She just may be looking in the wrong place.
Faith that if I looked at the truth and reality of the situation no matter how bad or that it didn't fit with what I WANTED...I could handle it through the grace of God and the support of my family, friends and my own courage.
This takes a long time to build Mab.
Which pieces are you missing?
Examine everything in your life. Take what brings you closer to your goal and kill the rest.
Remember when your anger comes not to let it define you or drive your choices.
Recognize it as cue to work on that which caused it.
This is hard Mab and this is where the less determined exit the way and get a one way ticket to Bitterville.
Thanks again truegritter. What you wrote really resonated with me. I do admit I am struggling to contemplate any sort of reconciliation right now but I will keep trying to focus on my growth. I just can't imagine her coming back at all, in fact I can't even believe I am going to reach one of my baby step goals at the moment, she just seems so resolute. Confused but completely self focussed and resolute.
All that stuff about feeling numb. Forget it, I absolutely broke down on the way home. So full of guilt for some of the stupid things I did. I've apologised for them but probably too little, too late. I just feel so full of remorse that it hurts. Yes, she left but I had a massive role in it. The final electric/gas bill which she owes money on was waiting for me at home too. So I do have a legitimate reason to ring but I'm not sure it would be a good idea now. I really want to talk to her now but I know I would just end up apologising over and over. I'm a complete mess...
What you are feeling is normal -- everyone here has gone through that. It does get better and you will make it. You might want to talk to your doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds to help you when you feel really badly.
Otherwise, go out and exercise and find someone other than W who you can talk to on the phone and vent. An IC can also be very helpful, it may be worth making an appointment.
WRT the bills, you may want to consider just paying them and forget about it. Otherwise I would try to make the request in a brief e-mail versus a call
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
FWIW, here's what my IC told me: The depression, despondency, and sadness will come to you in waves. Over time they will come less frequently, then they won't last as long, but the last thing to go will be the intensity.
It has to come out, so when it comes, let it happen. I started long distance road biking to "work it out" last summer, and I probably put 1,000 miles on my bike in 4 months. I'm not sure that's the best therapy because pedaling for miles gives you a lot of time in your head. It's not much of a distraction, but the endorphins feel good!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I certainly let it all out yesterday. I've never felt anything like it. I miss my best friend terribly and don't know how to fill the hole. She's the one person I thought I could totally trust and rely on and now I'm scared to ring her because she's not that person anymore. Or worse she might be the same person but has written me out of her life script for because her life id better without me.
Friday and Saturday nights are coming up. My two worst evenings and I have no plans at all...
Friday and Saturday nights are coming up. My two worst evenings and I have no plans at all...
Make some plans right away then. What's holding you back?? Give yourself something to look forward to.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I have been going to gigs and things on my own but it really upsets me. I've been forcing myself to do it but it just seems to focus me back on the reason I'm there - I'm trying to fill a gaping wife-size hole that has just appeared and nothing is coming close right now. I'm starting to worry that I may be making things worse for myself by hoping for reconciliation. She seems determined to do this and I'm equally determined not to and I'm going round in circles. Everyone tells me it gets better with time but right now I can't believe that a single future will ever match up with what we had together. Unfortunately, it seems to me that my wife not only does think it will be better but is actively forcing herself to want it.
Last night was probably the second worst night of my life. I don't know if I have the strength to deal with this. Her actions are completely incompatible with my idea of marriage. Is that a problem with me? Am I lashing out because of frustration at her actions? I know I haven't given this the time it needs but do I wait for the 'I've met someone else' speech. I am seriously considering D for the first time ever.
Sorry everyone. Every time I write anything here it always seems so negative! I'm trying to pick myself up and dust myself off again. I've got over my filing on monday funk and am now going to try and implement a BS&LI approach.
Am not going to contact her regarding bills. I'll just pay them from the joint account and let her know by text what the withdrawal is for.
I think what set me off is that I know I have abandonment issues. As my MC identified on monday they have arisen time and again in previous relationships. As a result in my marriage, despite trying not to allow my issues to impinge I now believe I used passive aggression to attempt to stop her leaving. This probably contributed to our current sitch and is definitely something I want to sort out (hopefully better than I did earlier today!).
Am I worried that she is completely gone and is only allowing me to stay in the house out of guilt? Yes. Can I do much about that? No. What can I do? Stop beating myself up and try and improve myself. It may not bring my marriage back from the brink but it has to be a good thing. I put my wedding ring back on to try it out earlier. It actually felt a bit odd but took about 30 seconds to start feeling normal again. Things have changed so fast!
