I should probably mention that due to S12 having trouble explaining how he feels much of the time, he uses others feelings. Case in point, from earlier in this thread, instead of telling his mom that he didn't want to have breakfast as a family for Fathers Day because it wouldn't help matters, he told his mom that it would make me angry.
I love S12 with all my heart, but I fear that he would say something to his mother in regards to MLC or even to her family. That would set my W through the roof. She isn't going through MLC, just ask her. Heck, just tell an alcoholic they have a problem, they'd probably tell you they don't have a problem.
I don't trust S12 to be in charge of his own feelings. Like me, he doesn't want to rock the boat. He'd just assume never talk to someone vs. giving them the chance to not like him. We're not total closet people, we just take a few conversations to warm up to people and then we are no different than anyone else. So he's more likely to use what I say as truth than trust people enough to speak his own heart - something I've struggled with my whole life.
I talked to him a few months back and explained some of the ways I helped facilitate the distance between his mother and I. I also explained what it was I was doing to become a better father and husband and why I was doing those things. That I liked not getting frustrated all the time and being more in touch with how and why I feel the way I do. But he's not there and it will be a long time before he gets there.
I have talked to him about how sometimes people start to question their lives and the choices they've made, but that it doesn't mean that his mother doesn't love him greatly. It's just difficult to explain how I talk about our new lifestyle as a challenging adventure and my W is talking about how he should behave when we're seeing other people.
S12 is white hot angry with his mother. Her response to every disagreement that I've personally witnessed or he's replayed for me, involves his mother getting angry with him and popping off about "never being able to please him" or "she can never make him happy" - before she storms off.
See what I mean about how I think she's projecting her feelings about me onto S12?
It's because of this and learning about MLC that I feel as though there is a future for us, most likely years from now, but a future none the less. I still want to detach, I still want to prove that I can be confident and content with my life - for my own sake. There can be no future as a family if I can't fully become more than just thoughts and words. It's definitely harder to be that safety net she can come to talk too without being judged when she's aggrivating me, but that is "one" of my goals. To learn to listen and not judge or try to fix. I'm not closing the book on "us" so much as changing course.
She says she knows she's hurt me (even started to tear up) and she never wanted that to happen. Maybe it's because of the way I've reacted for the most part over the past few months or year in that I haven't given her much reason to hate me. The woman I married is still in there and I have a feeling that that's what's making it so hard to detach, or at least figure out how to detach for more than a few days at a time. I know she'll never be the same and I know I don't want her to be, but I must become a much stronger someone she/anyone can lean on.