We all have so much to learn in this life. And, it looks like you are! When you said that you didn't validate your wife's feelings, oh boy - I so know how that feels!!!
My H used to do the same when I complained about his mother. Like, why would she have us stay at a hotel when her entire house was free? She is strange about certain things and I've had to learn to just accept that. She has two bedrooms, and they are full of antique dolls and she won't move them. Fair enough - but the dolls are more human to her than humans are!! Oh, don't get me started.
However, it seemed that I couldn't complain it about either and that's just no good. You are seeing that when we complain, often times we need to just get it out of our systems and as long as you don't argue against it, then she will feel heard. But, it's also a shift in attitude. Yes, I know they are your family and so forth, but it's a good idea to see your W as your primary family and other family comes second because she is your teammate. I sometimes wonder if my own H is ever gonna get that.
Anyway, about the need for goal setting...I must say that it isn't very clear in DB what the next steps should be. So, you've managed to put on the breaks and have successfully stopped a divorce. I was kind of stumped myself as to what the next steps were. In the end, I'm feeling my way through it.
What I'm finding is that there isn't a whole lot of R talk either - but there still is a lot of talk about the past and his resentments. I'm learning to validate him as much as possible, and learning slowly to validating my own self as well in this process.
I think you will know when you know.
If you are still unsure about where she stands with the OM, well, you are still in limbo land for sure. But, what is going to make it change?
I've been thinking about that myself, which is why I just came to realise that self-acceptance is where its at. Also, time might just take care of things for you.
Maybe start showing some boredom - if that is how you feel - less interest. You might want to verbally hint at your desire to have more fun in your life and experience more interesting things to do. In fact, you might just say that directly - again no nastiness or anything.
