Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

[Navyguy]

when I said "you let her" check out of the m, I meant that you have put up with this loveless relationship I won't call a 'marriage," for 3+ years...and with little to show for it but time you won't get back.

That's what I was thinking you meant. I do think that one thing I have gained from sticking this out is that it has made me much closer to my kids. And like you said, I am a better man for it.

When I was talking to my mom yesterday, she told me how proud she was of me for everything I've done. I know every parent is proud of their kids, but this seemed different. She told me that she was crying when I read her W and I's text exchange from a few posts back...not because it upset her, but because she was so proud of the way I handled W.

are you an officer? And he's enlisted?

Yes and yes.

Who knows? Maybe your w will "wake up and smell the diapers" if you file. Like you said, there is a year waiting period.

Yeah, maybe. I don't even know if I can think that way though. I think for me to truly accept my M is dead, I have to accept that there's no chance she will come around. Does that make sense?

Not positive about the "unconditional love" b/c we all sort of place conditions on our love. If my h hit me, or our children, I would not keep loving him.

But I love him now, as he is. Is that what you mean?

That's exactly what I mean. Someone that will accept my flaws and respect my strengths instead of resenting them.

Well, here's the last few days:

My anxiety levels are still high. I am still FB-free but I can't shake the thought of this guy pursuing W. I tell myself to let go and that worrying about it isn't doing anything for me, but it keeps popping into my head. The big thing coming up is that W is taking another trip to Ohio BFF in mid-July. Part of me worries that this guy is going too. The meds seem to be helping, but I have been waking up very early every day and feeling very stressed.

W and I have been getting along pretty well. It is so strange. A couple nights ago I got home from work and we just talked for a half hour...then we sat together for dinner while the kids played...and then we watched some TV shows together...and I didn't initiate any of it. I think she's "testing" to see if she can be nice to me without building my expectations.

It does appear that W is still cutting back on the drinking...at least prior to me getting home from work. She is still going through about a bottle of wine a night though. Her latest thing is to walk around the house with her headphones in and listen to music all the time. Probably just another way to "escape".

I had my first IC yesterday and another scheduled for Friday. The initial session was 2 hours...I spent the whole time giving the IC the cliffs notes version of my sitch. I told her that my main goal for the IC is to come to grips with my M being over. It was a good session, and I am hopeful she'll be able to help me. She quickly recognized that I've been living in limbo for 3+ years and really seemed to catch on to where I'm at.

I'm really just wanting some inner peace in my life right now....hopefully I'm headed in that direction.