Needing some guidance... 4

[25yearsmlc]

Jks

I'm going on a trip soon so I'll have to brief and don't want you to think I dropped off the face of the earth.


just a few notes...I LOVE your insights. The whole housework thing is interesting to me b/c as a Lawyer and a poor housekeeper myself I've used my "genius" as a reason for not being so organized.

My point is, some of this is perspective but you are right to identify when things are "too messy" b/c then we're out of control. When h was in the height of his MLC, he lost things that were really important like IRS letters.

WTH? That was after decades of meticulous absurdly detailed record keeping...

So, That was new and NOT cool. But it pointed out to me, that HE was different so I had to pick up the slack. Sooo not fun. But necessary.

Anyhow, I'm sorry about the troubles with D6. Have you had her tested for personality issues AND OR being gifted? That is not always the gift it seems to be...but she may, MAY need some therapy or meds...

doesn't hurt to test her and you can always say "no thanks" to the MDs.

** Learning to apologize...huge saving gift for marriages. Do what you can. Learn to see an apology as a sign of strength and not as weakness and if and when your h apologizes to you


never take advantage of it to attack him more. I think that's the big fear we have when we know we "ought" to apologize. Somehow we fear the other person will jump on us and say "A HA!! Proof that you are a bad guy" and it's not likely at all. Even if it did happen, after an apology, would you really reasonably agree??

I think you're on the right track. As for GOALS

I'd suggest you get really specific, if only internally, with what you want and need from your h

as to how he can "prove" you are his priority. Be specific but reasonable.

I say I'd love to tell my h to quit his job to prove his devotion, but would i really?

H does good work for very injured people, and makes good money...so what is it I really want from him?

Some way for ME to feel that, IF HE HAD TO, which he does not,

he'd give it up for us. Does that make sense to you?

Also I'd get specific goals about the housework. Just b/c he works for money does not make you solely responsible for all housework. Does he help?

Can you afford to hire someone? IF YOU WORKED MORE, could you?

I have to tell you this--once I was earning money, I hired a housekeeper. At first it was once a month, then every 2 weeks and sometimes more. Now it's back to once a month. What a GODSEND!

Now, I am not embarrassed to have company show up unannounced. and I LOVE having a clean bathroom. I love my home more...and I can tell h likes coming home to it, more.

As for what I learned growing up, my mother did her best BUT my mom had 9 kids in 12 years

and all I remember her doing, was cleaning/mopping floors or changing diapers. I did not want her life.

So I totally went for "the career" and I get where you are coming from/ no woman could manage what my mother was apparently expected to do and my father worked hard, at HIS JOB, but not at home...
So I hired someone to help us and you know

The housekeeper reduced our household conflict by about 80%...seriously.

If that's not worth having a job for, what is?

Just food for thought - and until you CAN afford it, it's just an idea. But if you can,

give it real thought.

IN retrospect, On a daily basis, (aside from OW) what did you two feel bad about or fight about? How did your self esteem get affected by a messy house?

So, you clearly have some gifts of creativity. Once you harness those gifts might it make more sense for you to use them to create harmony in your life, including hiring someone who knows how the heck to clean things and to make you feel more financially secure?

it's not ALL due to your back ground OR IF it is, there are other options...

One of my sisters is a total slob, and another one is a professional organizer! (Gee, no pattern there...)

being a lousy housekeeper is not the worst trait in the world. And you are working on what is important.

How about your GAL and your goals for it?

what's new in that arena?